Wednesday, February 22, 2006

Nothing much

After staying up all hours last night after finding a goldmine of children's song sites, I got up today to my usual free Wednesday, no need to do anything but nothing much specific either.
Nothing really happened until a friend decided to come round in the evening, usual walk in the park first and fiddling about on the computer. It all becomes a blur looking back though I must have done something more than that. I did put my digital prints in an album, I got 70 from the total about twice that, and now have a nice collection of local views comparable to the video shown yesterday (including many of them).

It was nice having someone round, I did have a list of little things to do if free but I'll be free again and will work my way through them. It really is time to get the painting finished, as the builder was here so long I couldn't do much while he took the room over so it's sitting waiting for me now. It still surprises me how many different routes and views there are in the parks which surround me here. You can travel the world but hard to beat the scenery and variety of angles and plant types in a mile or two. Woods, fields, scrubland and some (including very recent) landscaping, making just about every type of environment within one green patch.

I suppose I adapt to varying circumstances reasonably well. Having builders here on and off for well over a month pushed me out of my regular routine, as well as the banging commies for a month next door 6 days a week to give me the stereo version. They've finally finished but there are a few more visits left from my own as he has another job (working alone now) and does me in his spare time. Meanwhile my TV schedule is finally out in writing so a certainty next Friday, I'd copy it here but it's probably illegal to reproduce so just say I am now in the TV guides of Britain. I tried to call Iain Lee with the Beverley Hillbillies song 'Jed' but he didn't pick the line up, maybe he knew what was coming as they have caller display and he knows what to expect. And I slagged him off in a radio forum he visits, which isn't clever but was being honest he is only working at a schoolboy level. Like he didn't know already.

No other plans now besides on the medical treatment front. The letter's gone off for my next prescription so will be acting as a human experiment again for another bottle of potential lifesavers. The original ones did the job but can't be used again as my system rejected them for some reason they can't quite work out though there are clues they don't accept. That as may be, something has to replace them and it's almost becoming a documentary as I watch symptoms rise and fall and create some sort of pattern. Our minds and bodies are so weak in many cases it appears if God did make men (as in both sexes), most are concentrated in a couple of strong areas and the others are more or less like 1970s Lancias or Ladas, ie designed to fail under the slightest stress. My mind was on a knife edge of anxiety as long as I remember, any illness made me panic like my life was in danger, and that has never changed except the tablet's effects. The more places I was ill the more I avoided. That's the logic of the brain's lower centres, which have a life of their own and can't be changed without medication or successful hypnosis, which didn't work for me.
That's how it works, whatever assets someone has are usually balanced by faults, whether feeble minded, alcoholic, phobic or whatever, the more assets someone has except the school captain types who are good at everything, we usually are compensated by dodgy parts as well. As you get older your body gets weaker, and mind builds up more and more negative associations until the weight becomes intolerable. Mine was probably speeded up tenfold by being alone, as whatever happened there was no support unless I happened to be with someone else at the time. But none I can just rely on like a safety net. So though I remain rational and coherent, my body is weak and tired, and I can do little more than continue on the one cylinder I've still got firing most of the time except for small bonus days.

I'm past the stage of caring what people think any more, it's not their business or problem and there's sod all I can do about it besides treatments and doing as little as I can until I feel stronger. Not their problem, if I'd broken my leg I couldn't do much else and this is little different from my side. It feels permanent but shouldn't be, attacking it from different angles should deal with each separate symptom so at least a part can change to start with. I've been there a few times before, it just gets worse each time. I am reading about it and it seems to fit the official picture, minimal energy and immune system so each new attack weakens the body again so the recovery is sent back to the beginning. Wonderful experience and one any spiritual explanation would struggle to explain and justify. As I said, only my creative side has been unaffected as I can do that anywhere and am, and it has pushed me also to look for answers to questions I wouldn't have even had had I not been going through such a rough time.

So, if there's any sense in my position I'd like to see it, maybe it's allowing a few other people to accept me and therefore others as they are, and not how they want or expect us to be. I've learnt age isn't a factor, my grandma's 96 and can still haul a trolley round Tescos for well over an hour with no trouble at all, and then carry the lot in the house from the car. I didn't inherit that gene clearly. It's also forced me to think about issues in life far more deeply than ever before, and though all I find is the same sewage that lies at higher levels, at least I'm discovering how to dive that deep into things. I hope this post doesn't seem too negative, as it's looking for any silver lining in a very dark and large cloud. One that has virtually blocked all sky out. It's like being in a traffic jam that doesn't seem to move, then one car moves or it shofts for a whole mile. Totally unpredictable and out of your hands, but not stuck either.
Sometimes a car or two moves here, and sometimes I move a short way in third gear. But like a bad dream you can only witness, participate and hope it's soon over. As Maharaji rightly says, thinking of food when you're hungry is no help, thinking of good things when they are bad is the same. He advocates meditation, and maybe that's the only albeit indirect way out, besides the jam dispersing on its own when it chooses to.
Who's blocking the traffic though?

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