Half a day 2

Again I'm writing early as tonight I'm watching Arsenal on Sky so am getting all my late work done early. The recent routine of free Wednesdays has provided a wonderful oasis in my week, and means pressing housework usually gets done slowly. I put some Tshirts away in my 'summer wardrobe' and the shelves all collapsed. Luckily I found a way of banging nails in the side to hold them in but the price I paid was knocking through the side making large holes in it. But at least I can still use it.

Then I had to cycle to the shops or the cat would have nothing to eat, and finally after about four attempts got through to NTL online to fix my email. It turned out there were antivirus preferences and I just had to turn off scan email. That was a simple solution to a three month long problem, and now if I want to get my email I shouldn't have to turn off the security (not a good idea). My painting of the Via Veneto in Rome is almost finished, I just have to 'focus' it, by clearing the tiny details in the middle of people and cars. If I finish it today it'll be one of the toughest paintings I've ever done. Of course will appear here as always. The kitchen stuff is being worked through, and the next stage after washing it will be sorting out stuff I don't need and then giving it away. There are no urgent things left in the house (hardly surprising with all the spare time I've had) and I'm not even that bothered there's no one here at the moment as I had people here yesterday. I also feel a lot fitter today so that's a plus.

Partly from Sharon's blog questions yesterday I realised something. Many people pose questions, a few try and answer them, and a minority of them know any rather than guessing. Now whatever it is about me I see every question as a challenge, my mind instantly checks if there could be an answer I could find, and then I go into action. If it gets tough I feel more determined to look, even if I don't get any at least I have the urge to keep trying.

If I ask a question myself I can't answer it as the subjectivity principle comes in, but if someone else asks similar ones it seems a lot easier. I still suspect many questions can't be answered, but any which can are a lot easier to answer if someone else asks them. I remember when I was very young thinking of a German psychiatrist who understood everything. Then, 20 years later he was identified as my spirit guide (yes, I have said this before) George Liebmann, and is apparently the reason I became a therapist, to take over his role in this century. I didn't choose it, I am it. I wouldn't want anything else, it's a great honour if I was made to fill this role, and though I only help a few people a week ask them what their lives would be like had they not met me. This is not self praise, I'm repeating what they have told me, and as it's my job it would be pretty awful if it didn't happen. But I prefer to extend this role to every area of life, as why just stick to one to one help when I can use this understanding as widely as possible. Meanwhile the chain continues as I in turn look for anyone who can fulfil this role for me. Clearly no one's knowledge on earth is complete, so we are forced to team up to solve problems (anyone familiar with Star Trek will know how it works). They have a captain, but he needs his crew as much as they need him. No individual knows or is expected to do everything.

In my house I feel like I often have to, except I do employ others to do what I can't as anyone will who can pay for it. Husbands and wives share different abilities, and whether traditional or cooperative, neither is going to be good at the identical things the other is so work will shift to the person who is better at it. So instead of me getting through two admiral's pies a week (£1 each, very good quality despite having no green vegetables) I'd be able not only to eat fresh meat and vegetables but not cook it myself!

Anyway, I won't get in that groove again, but it's true we're all designed to be good at certain things and not others as otherwise we wouldn't need other people, and that's one theing I rarely have, at least not at home. The rest of my family now all live alone, but only my grandma would want me living there and she wants to know where I'm going and what I'm doing 24/7. And can you imagine me bringing a woman 'home'? I personally think the extended family scenario is perfect for widows and singles, and between two or three of us could buy a place big enough to almost divide into separate units but connected. They all had someone with them till later in life, but I never did so my need of course is many times greater than theirs. So unless the balance was equal it would be unlikely for any of them to be bothered as their position is clearly less pressing than mine and mine could last many times longer than any of theirs. So I'm not yet looking for help from equals, and until I do I'm not going to get anywhere on that track. They are in a much stronger position than me so call the shots and basically don't need the help from me I need from them.

Well, now I've done this I'll check my forums, start on the picture, maybe carry on with the kitchen stuff and then watch the football. When it's boring I creep back in here and then miss half the goals, but it's not a major match so probably will. If there's a message or lesson in my life I'd be really interested to know what it is. If it's the pathetic rule I won't get what I want till I can survive without it I reckon a 13 year sentence in solitary is more than long enough and I'm unlikely to adapt to it any better than I have already. And I'd probably have more incentive and time to meditate if someone else did the cooking and tidying as well as me...