Saturday, June 24, 2006

Life history (you've been warned...)

Back again...

Friday was as nothing special as a day could be, besides one direct experience.

Buddhism says the end of craving is the end of suffering. Logic told me most Buddhists misinterpreted this phrase, it is, as written, ambiguous. As a quiz just said as an example, 'This car uses 20% less petrol'. Than what?

See what I mean? The end of craving has been picked up by the majority ascetic view, and the silly buggers expect people to stop being human and wanting anything. What a wrong turning! My view was if you got what you want you can relax and then go for enlightenment, having satisfied your greatest needs.

Following the TV filmings I satisfied a long-held ambition, and despite a thoroughly boring day have that sense of what is likely to be enlightenment (ie feeling good regardless) as I'd 'done it'.
There's no need to satisfy every ambition to get there, just one seems enough, whichever on my list (there were a few) came first. So that was mine, and tried and tested that was the result.

Philosophical point over so change of colour.

What a busy week! I could almost become part of the regular workforce if I repeated it every week (like fuck I will...) even though the work was from home, the cleverest millionaires often work from home- why? Because they can choose. So as people come to me though it never paid me a real profit at least that is the nature of the work and any other work I could do from home if it did earn a lot would be no different from people who commute, as I attempted to do for years but was never accepted since 2000 (3 days and made redundant). Big deal, forced into making my own arrangements I grew into the role gradually and now wonder if I could ever work anywhere else again. I have done the odd afternoon in a clinic (mainly talking to the owner and waiting for clients that never materialised) but otherwise try as I might it didn't happened and I learnt how to turn my house into an Ashram or office, depending which way you look at it. And that suits me if it works.

My DVD burner is working perfectly (amazing!), I haven't ponced any CDs from anyone but have burned most of the videos I needed to it, and can watch them on their own drive and will now try on my grandma's DVD player to see if the format is universal. Once I buy some CDs I'll get my photos on them and clear a few gigs from my picture files. I've emailed everyone on my 'naughty list', not a sqeak from any of them, though one will reply but does work over 70 hours a week so may not have much time available. Odd formula. Live at home, end up working 3 days a week, go abroad, cash in your assets and then work 12 hour days. Search me.

My next landmark (besides a probable second scene being filmed soon) is the Sky guide putting my programme in or being told the date of airing, as it's not meant to be far away and another I was consulted on made it in less than 3 months from filming. Plus unlike the first job it's a one off so they aren't filming 6 whole episodes around the world, but one in England. Delays and gaps were never my friends, most of all the day since I last had a pleasurable experience with my late (may as well be) girlfriend Elizabeth in 1980 the week before she chucked me. I could have 'had' her exclusively for the rest of my life. I could just find better (1984 and 1996) but she was absolutely right and wouldn't have been replaced by either had they become available. I know what I want and appreciate it when I have it. Many people don't and can't make their mind up if their partner's good enough, and check many times with alternatives. Pathetically immature. If you can't tune in to your own heart you may not even have one. Not my problem but had to comment.
Psychoanalysis is based on free association, and having discovered my largest problem is the Elizabeth situation (ie lack of) simply from spreading my ideas across the blog for 2 years (birthday just passed) even if no one read it I've learnt many things. Sex is my medicine, and whatever I get from the doctor isn't going to replace it. My nervous system is possibly one of the worst jobs since the Austin Allegro, the one they built on the bosses' day off when they all got drunk and lost the parts list. It was always dodgy, and now with maturity and experience needs every tablet known to the psychiatric profession just to stop a total shut down. I watch as if it's happening to someone else. I despair, like a cripple in a wheelchair (political correctness is suspended here you know) who knew how to walk but look at their useless legs hanging over the edge. My nerves are like trying to carry a hot plate from the microwave. It burns your hands but if you juggle it enough you can just manage to get it to the table without injuring yourself. But hold on too long and you've burnt yourself.
That's me, I find many tasks are putting me on the edge of tolerance levels, and one step too many and I almost pass out. That can even be with the tablets though not nearly as bad (so far...). That's a physical weakness and bears no relationship at all to the world outside or knowledge. It's a built in fault which comes and goes as it pleases and is partially regulated with chemical replacements. So long as the sexual partner, like Pete with the Tourette's in Big brother, accepts it and looks at me and not my diability, I'll have won. Any candidates?

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