Monday, June 05, 2006

When nothing happens

Everyone has awful things to do, it’s not just me. But most have a balance of good, as I used to, which takes the focus away from the bad jobs and to what’s beyond them, like coming home to a family. I have had to accept hope is a fiction no less than Father Christmas, as things change, if they do, as and how they wish and not as I wish. Simple counselling and Buddhist knowledge. No one changes for you and the weather is the same whoever it rains on. We can’t stop our lives being dictated by others and nature as I worked out already, and now I am accepting that is the case and can only ever be so.

That means that: Every woman who ever chose someone else over me will stay with them and even if they do split up still won’t want me. Any shit rule that affects me like the congestion charge will stay as long as it pleases. No one will turn up and offer to live with me just because I want them to. Etc etc. That is reality. It’s the same for everyone of course, though I still await to hear what the angels have to say about it. Even aliens who are alleged to watch everything some of us do are only doing that, watching. The last thing they’d ever do with the power to view from 80 light years away is actually help. So using the word hopeless is the most accurate one I can see to cover every aspect of life. Hope is only real when based on a known chance. If, as I do, I have a woman coming to see me, I have assessed the chance of a relationship as 5%. That is gambling odds, not hope. Hoppe, like its brother faith, is based on fantasy, and nothing else. I should know. I’ve tested both to their limits recently to discover this conclusion that both are man made elements combining superstition with religion to try and take the edge off the real nasty issues of life. They don’t help me and technically have no benefit for anyone once they see through them for what they are, a cloud of smoke obscuring the fact nothing changes.

But this is not the symptom of depression, it’s the outcome of a study with the only conclusion that was possible. So the eastern view, that you have to develop a feeling in you that transcend what goes on outside as basically what goes on outside is only going to piss you off in the long run, they got that one dead right. There are a few techniques to get to this state, none of which I know are quicker than the Chinese water torture of formation of stalagmites. But they’re the only methods I know and work so slowly and subtlely I reckon if they work you may not even notice. But now I know that’s all there is. Not that I didn’t practice already, far from it. But now I can rely on nothing else outside. Even if things improve it’s only temporary and as soon as you get comfortable it’s bound to fall apart again, which is its nature. Basic Buddhism. That, though, is not being a hippy, as Buddhists are almost 3000 years old and didn’t use drugs to reach their highs. Just having to accept life has no rose tint to it, and like the weather is totally neutral and unthinking. We can be moved up by highs if we’re willing to be knocked down by lows, and as Nick Roach says they rarely even themselves out, as we both discovered independently the lows are stronger.

So if I live alone for the rest of my life, never get another girlfriend and have no better health again, that’s it. People can and have been in really bad situations but happy, as they didn’t use the world to get their happiness. There is undoubtedly a source within that the outside covers up sooner or later. If you relocate the source independent of outside crap, you’ve won. The trouble is this is called enlightenment, and it’s the prerogative of the fewest people on earth according to the masters. Not a confident prospect either. But the only one which isn’t based on hope but reality. I’ve seen the leaves on the tree enough to know the whole lot is real, and however hard it may be to get there that’s all I have now I’ve eliminated all the fluff. But that’s nothing new, that was all I ever had, I’m just sure of it now.

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