Sunday, June 11, 2006

Philosophy of chaos

Inspired by Nick Roach (as I frequently am) I saw a lot of my life in what he wrote, that when we want a sense of achievement life then presents ordeals so we can feel we've overcome them when we do. In fact the stress of going through the ordeals now outweighs far more any achievement I now have, and I have lost all need to achieve another thing as long as the alternatives are being content in life and having no more challenges.

Being let down, disappointed and stressed are part of all lives. Only the enlightened have any insulation from it, though some say even then things get to them, so maybe none are truly immune. Last week was a great deal of stress, followed by achievement when I managed it all without wobbling, and then total disappointment when my filming fell through (temporarily, I've been told) on Friday as I twiddled my thumbs all effing afternoon for absolutely nothing.
I was left with nothing to show for the week after all that, and will report on further developments as they happen in a day or two.
I've also realised the bad news I was promised in the email well over a month ago is better not known, as hearing a possible date 8 years ahead or reasons why they can't come back will just close an issue that has technically been dead for 4 years anyway. This is all chaos, as whatever an individual does, the rest of the world is too diverse to control all but the slightest elements. Of course you notice it all as if in HDTV when alone, as there's no relief from it by being able to share it at the time or laugh it off afterwards. Every disaster that happens in or to my house is my problem alone and experienced by no one except the rich buggers who are paid to fix it when they eventually decide to do it. I know exactly why people take drugs as it's the easiest way to escape, but the associated damage to your body is too high a price to pay, and the less effective but safer meditation is all there really is, and can work better in the long run if you're lucky enough (from what I can tell time spent is only one element of success).

I can't be alone in my view. Every time there was a fork in the road in my life it took me away from any outside experiences, from work to social. Eventually I was left unemployable and virtually friendless. Every twist in the road wasn't my choice, as in unlike when I chucked my first girlfriend in 1972 it was my mistake and something I could only learn from. The jobs were simply either ended from lack of business, or never accepted in the first place. If you have problems and are prepared to work selectively, get nothing and then get worse, you may never be able to work again. As for friends, each got on with their own lives until I was left behind and hadn't met anyone to replace them, yet. That never happened before. I did meet a girlfriend as soon as the last friend went west (literally and metaphorically) but she didn't last due to her health problems. That was it, and that was 4 years ago. So since then I've had one job interview and no new women. I put as much effort as anyone can in both but discovered unless you're prepared to take any old crap (in both areas) you will never gain success from effort in either area. You can't do nothing, but it's a combination of simply asking anyone the slightest bit suitable as many times as you can, though in fact many of both come when they're offered to you, jobs more than women but illustrates the uncontrollable nature of all.

So chaos rules, and Nick says rather than try and kill yourself by beating the system, just watch. Eventually the attachment to what goes on grows smaller until you are barely affected at all. The crap goes on but you don't care, though he adds once you lose your attachment the crap actually reduces as it's only you who are creating it. That is a philosophical leap you can only ever know if you become enlightened, and aren't expected to accept on spec. I certainly don't, and luckily his teaching doesn't rely on an intellectual acceptance of the truth (according to him) but an awareness of it through doing so. And it certainly beats the ups and downs (mainly downs) of the alternative. For whatever I've won I feel I've lost far more in return, from my mother's presence to every woman or friend I ever cared about. In return I have a house and a few qualifications that aren't good enough to get a job. Big fucking deal...

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