Thursday, June 08, 2006

Releasing the devil

As I've already related all the nonsense I've done today on Funtrivia (as this wasn't working again) I am allowing the stream of consciousness to open a second time and see what happens.
Sometimes a fleeting idea comes in I wonder if will be useful, then I meditate on it and usually find it doesn't, but at least i've eliminated it from my possibilities. But one I think may have legs is finding the source of happiness. Not outside, but just the source in you. Like tracking down the source of the river, you follow everything you can that makes you feel happy (in your mind), and then keep doing it and see if the feeling grows. If you can get to a point where the feeling takes over anything that's going on outside, you've won. In my own past I was very happy unless something blocked it. In my case studying for exams was the greatest cloud, lack of success with women and then my mother leaving. It's pretty hard to feel happy with most of the things you need gone or things you don't want to do stopping you from doing what you really want.

Now I'm so used to having an empty life happiness is almost a memory. If anything makes me happy now it's like a flash of lightning that hardly ever occurs and is over in seconds. Not anything to feel sorry for me for, but just a random series of events that ended with just the basics and absolutely no more. Not enough for anyone, as I've discovered. People in prison have a roof over their heads and food, and no need to worry about income, but I doubt many of them are happy. And besides the fact my doors open I haven't even got anyone with me, which in prison is only used as a punishment, and temporary. I am on an indefinite solitary, and not the slightest chance of altering that.

So, it's very logical why I won't be likely to be happy relying on outside events, and studied mysticism to look for other ways. As Nick Roach says, being an expert from study is useless if what you know doesn't work when you try it. So just because I can quote worldwide gurus and ideas unless they work for me all I do is move the mess around without clearing it up, as my mother describes most of my life as it goes.
The funny thing is it really only needs one person of a level I find in maybe 5% of all women, which is millions. Eliminate the ones who are taken, too old and too young and you're down to hundreds, then the ones that don't like me and currently it's zero. My family either say it's because I don't go out enough (wrong) or that I'm peculiar (much closer). My recent dream's message was not to take anyone less easygoing as the one in it, so that means if woman A comes across I'll take the fun but won't commit myself to a life of being bossed around just for the sex. But if woman B, the one with a chance impossible to calculate in earth numbers comes across I should take her and hold on to her regardless of any other details. She won't push me around, and as long as she's happy to continue her exploits without a male partner we should make a very happy couple. Like I expect to have a choice. Though I've never had any trouble choosing, I only remember one time I had two girlfriends at once where neither wanted to get rid of me (making my decision redundant) and I was direct enough just to tell one Janet I'd met someone else (another Janet) as I am male and at 17 was definitely beyond any form of diplomacy, which I'm still mastering the basics of.

Dreams have been my last anchor in life. Had I not dreamed about being married and having a family I wouldn't have anything to aim for, as it's never happened to me. You can imagine it, but dreaming it as if it's real is totally different. I even met someone once who looked almost the same as one of the first women I was in love with in a dream but she was a total misery. And I have just realised most happened in Hampstead, which is where I went to school and then worked for half my life altogether. I only met a few girlfriends there while at my second school and they were nothing special. I actually met the most in Hendon and Finchley (and they also lived there) and also a fair number from abroad who either dumped me before they returned or may have left this country again as a reaction...

But take a note from Big Brother. The couples there can't go out so get to know each other purely on how they get on and not how impressive the places are they go to. That is how it should be. God forbid if I got married would I want to carry on 'dates', in fact I can't be bothered to now after 34 years of them. If I never walked in another restaurant or cinema again it wouldn't be too soon. It's the sex and company (probably in that order) that count (I think the opposite for women) and most of the places I go out most women don't like anyway. Besides steam trains, which are all miles away, unless they like long walks and taking photos and films they'll just have to be content with my impressions. I remember one girlfriend who I took out a few times when I collected train tickets. Yes, she found it fascinating waiting in the car while I scoured platforms for any discarded items of interest, and began a small tradition of taking pictures of me by station signs. Actually my father did the first long before as he said you won't see many people at Gunnislake in Cornwall, which is probably true, and is only there as there's no road access from the south of Devon. I took one of the sign at Exton years later, as there was no one to take me there, but then the general ones began in Kemble when we were on holiday in the Cotswolds.

I also have videos my friend took when we went to Yorkshire, Hampshire and Birmingham which are now unrepeatable as the tickets I collect stopped in 1988 and that friend is the one now in America. I went to Birmingham twice with him and once with someone else as they had lots of stations, was easy to get to and had a vast selection of tickets. I think out of all the places I liked Wylde Green the most, probably as it was more like London. I also stayed in Manchester twice with different friends for weekends and collected some prize tickets there, the best being one about 30 years old as it was only used on match days from Old Trafford Football Ground to Manchester. They were some of my best memories, I also used to drive the length of Essex regularly with friends to Southend or Colchester as they had some very good tickets, and the south coast was another good source, ending up in Poole the day they removed their old tickets and just getting a few of the last they ever issued. My coup was after writing to British Rail and getting to Burry Port in West Wales the day they got rid of theirs and the station master saving a heap for me in advance. I was there and back in 8 hours and working that evening. Oh to be young again... Chicken pie in Llanelli buffet. Yes, some things will never be back.

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