Monday, June 19, 2006

Repetition

Two days later and literally nothing has happened. I needed a clear weekend to recover from last week so chose not to do very much (not that there were any on offer) and though I'll be distracted working for a couple of days which is a necessary element for all without a private income, nothing has changed.
I just checked my emails having contacted everyone but one on the list of three. I am clearly persona non grata. It seems the effect I have on women I like has now extended to many more things, exactly like a curse. It's not total but besides my friend in America who I can only imagine I've offended somehow (can only be here but I thought he didn't read it) for the first time in 34 years, the others are plain rude.

MSN turned out to have altered their website to lift the free offer to fix my Windows the day I contacted them. I've now emailed their British centre and they say they reply in 2 days (tomorrow), though now the offer no longer appears to stand the error message will become permanent but as long as it all works there's no more I can do besides ask a security expert I know to check it. The second person seems to have had second, third and fourth thoughts about me (no reason to), though I also wonder if a story I told her about someone I liked whose name i'd forgotten was actually her. That would have done it... I can't think of any other reason besides female hormonal behaviour, and knowing the way I get into trouble it may well have been her I described. I'd hope anyone would see it as a compliment but that's a male view, women seem to hate attention unless they pick the person.
The TV person was emailed on Friday, granted he works on the road but always replied to my emails in the past. But not today.

It all goes to display a sad and cynical view of human nature. You are usually helped purely as a by product of other's needs. As Carnegie said in his famous book, people will do nothing for you unless you offer them a reward. Just like Pavlov's dogs. If anyone needs help I can give I usually need a pretty good excuse not to help them rather than the reverse. These guys get on with their lives and if their plans include something that randomly helps you it's chance, not altruism. So when their plans change, you become part of history.

To analyse this academically (you can tell there's nothing else to do)

1) My friend in America is following his own plans, any other effects are pure chance and not connected to his plans

2) The friend who stopped emailing did offer to help and that's bad form in anyone's book

3) The TV people do what they like

4) MSN changed their offer as I applied for it, bad timing

Nobody apparently thinks of how other people are affected by their plans or not. Not that it's nuclear physics, just caring. You needn't change your plans to favour others over yourself, but when you start a project and it goes phut, at least let everyone involved know.

The magazine at least appears to be alive and ready a month ahead. One way or another my media presence will grow, now it's started I know the ways and should be able to keep producing material and be used by a proportion of the media enquiries. The fact about 6 programmes were being made independently on alien abductions in a year implies at least a new interest even though the reports have never improved since the 1950s. Of course my own clients have provided marvelous reports to me, and have now extended beyond simple telepathy as the scientific data they have reported is unlikely to be known by humans as they wouldn't waste it if they did by hiding it. At worst they'd make weapons from it (why human society has not advanced to their level) but I can't see them surpressing such a phenomenon rather than use it to their evil advantages. So as well as telepathy I now have a scenario where the information given is beyond that from human-human reception. That is a step forward.

But until something impossible to miss appears it's just more smoke from the gun. But no bullets and no gun and no person shooting. I am also not supposed to reveal anything I know even if they do show me, which is fine as the few people who do care would find out anyway and the rest wouldn't believe it unless it happened to them. Meanwhile the evidence gradually builds but I really don't want to be on my deathbed before the truth is known.

5 comments:

Philosopher Newport said...

I wonder if you're an unsympathetic person?

Perhaps the people who have departed your life wanted some sympathy and all you gave them was advice or seized the opportunity to come off profound or aloof.

And then there's Sharon: She's lonely yet smart; an excellent poet; but I suspect you saw her photo and thought she wasn't attractive enough for you.

Only the beautiful attract the beautiful, sir. And if you want a dollybird then you either have to have a gorgeous face/body, or lots of money, or amazing charm. Otherwise you'll have to settle for the non-dollybirds---or no one at all.

There's something to be said about trying too hard to get what/who we want...
Too much time and mental energy spent on wanting something or someone that is not at hand.

The majority of your blogs whine about being single.
Ditto for Sharon's.

While I don't blog much anymore, if I did, they would whine about not being famous and selling no books.

And I've been here in England going on 5 years and have not made one friend/mate/buddy. Not one. And yet, it's not exactly something you can order from Tesco's.

I belong to various forums and post witty and interesting posts, but no one seems to notice. No one makes a move to befriend me.

I write outstanding books---far from the norm & average, and recieve 1000s of hits but sell only a handful.

Are we between the cracks?

It sickens me to want what I don't have and it sickens me to see others who do the same. We are wasting our time & energy. We are thinking and acting immaturely. Whining like spoiled brats, little children...while still thinking we're a cut above the masses or most everyone else.

Surely there's other things we can focus on and achieve. Surely we can practise letting go of wanting what/who we don't have...and it's important to remember how many people have gotten what/who they wanted and it all eventually turned to shit in their hands. Our wantings are carrots on a stick. Bugaboos. Illusions. LIES.

Things will never change until we love what we have and where we are right now no matter how lonely or shitty or neglected it all seems.

And I reached out to you, David, numerous times, and you couldn't be bothered. Yet you still bitch about being lonely and virtually friendless. Intent on holding out for a soul mate who doesn't exist outside of your imagination. No one could ever live up to your expectations.

And you are magnificently naive in not having a clue about all the potential and probable snags involved in living intimately with someone---especially a woman. You've got it all mapped out as to how you're gonna behave and what the two of you are going to do and yet humans are not pets or toys or robots. The honeymoon and best behavior wears off and the actualities of a personality come into the light and they are most ugly, David, very shitty to cope with---and not just the other person's, but your own! All your worst traits that have seemingly disappeared or have been outgrown come magically back to life front & center.

But of course, you can't shake the misguided conviction that you're the exception to the rule. And neither can I.

I don't have any friends in the UK nor on the WWW. I must not be very friendly or attractive. There must be things about me and my posts that are repellant. And yet I know I can't change whatever those are---nor do I have the slightest interest or desire to do so. And it hurts to be friendless. It burns. And any move I make to change this situation only fuels the fire. So I'm gonna give up and rest in the fire. I'm gonna sit here and let it consume me. Gonna cry myself to sleep and then wake up and watch England lose to Sweden (I hope England wins, but they never do when I'm watching). Woe is me, Charlie Brown.

Sharon said...

It always seems to be the case that you never hear from some people unless they need something. That is something that is lacking in them, basic courtesy, and there is really nothing to be done about it.

At least everything is falling into place for you tv and writing wise. Someday I will be able to say "I knew him when..." ;)

David said...

You've become very cynical- Sharon, me and many other people I know are in the same situation, alone through other people's choices. It's still better to be alone than with the wrong person and by 30, let alone 40, most people are hooked up- even you!
So would you swap with us, or continue to remain married and poke fun at those less well off than you are?

Anyway, your advice is usually good but you're not in our position, and if you have no friends it makes little sense to me as unless I knew everywhere you'd been since you came here I wouldn't have a clue why. If you lived round here I'm sure we'd be friends, you may be in the same country but still half a day's drive in practice. But I haven't avoided you, you haven't a blog to comment on now and that was what I usually did.
But who I find attractive isn't who others do. And the same with my friend's wives. I had no interest in any of them, and the one with the best looking girlfriend is so similar to me people used to mix us up. And she liked me as well but he got there first. It's nothing to do with my personal qualities, it really seems to be a mystery as I've checked each one and it's basically all added up to average. But average people are paired up, but not me. If there was a reason it would be even worse but it would at least make sense. But you seem to understand more than most.
As for fame, talent is maybe half, promotion/connections 40% and the rest luck. I've been working for mine since I was about 16 and it took 30 more years to get on TV, but it was well worth the wait. Sadly not being with a woman just eats up time better spent with someone. I never project this to anyone else but it's my story.

Philosopher Newport said...

Apologies, first of all. Sometimes my frustrations blossom into rage and I do indeed slip into a very cynical mindframe. But I sincerely was not poking fun at you, David.

The thing is, as I said, it sickens me to want what I don't have---and not just to WANT it---but to OBSESS about not having it, and when I see this in others who I like it just sets me off sometimes.

I'm ashamed for having a go at you, David.

As for my zero friendships in this country: I don't go to pubs because I'm not a pub kind of person. I don't like alcohol nor being around groups of people consuming it. I love coffeeshops---the kind they have in Amsterdam, and would be a regular at one if they had them here.

I don't belong to any churches or clubs or organizations because I know of none that fit my interests. If they had clubs or organizations centered on Michael Schenker or Charles Bukowski or Robert Crumb or Led Zeppelin or marijuana and etc etc, I'd at least check them out. But they don't.

I'm friendly with my co-workers but this hasn't carried over to our off hours. None of them smoke pot or like my kind of music, films, books, or other interests. Well, one guy likes Seinfeld and Curb Your Enthusiasm...but he's a pub kind of guy overall. Fun to work with but that's it.

So, as has been the course of my life due to my personality, I basically wait for life/destiny/fate to drop things/friends onto my lap.
I'm like a spider in its web. I have to wait for what flies into my web and seize it ASAP.

But I've never in 42 years had to go 5 years without any buddies/mates. Sure, my wife is my friend, but she's my wife as well, and the wife role invariably contains maternal elements...so she sort of becomes like a mom/friend/lover/combatant, and man can't live without the company of other men once in awhile. You need to hang out with male perspectives/personalities. Need to hang out with people you're not sleeping with.

I'm glad to hear you think we'd be mates if we lived closer to each other. I agree.

There's nothing you should or shouldn't be doing, David. I'm sure your life is right on track the way it's meant to be. Mine too. We will get what we want as long as we don't quit or give up permanently. I'll never forget the sign on the wall at the pool at my summer camp in 1977. It said: Winners never quit, quitters never win. And I knew instantly in my guts that it was spot on.

I'm sure I'll be in a bad mood again some other day and will probably have another go at you, but it's just me, David. That nutter AL Newport. So I trust you'll take it in stride.

You are a mensch, sir. A good egg.

As for Sharon's comments: I simply do not understand them. Don't know if she was addressing you or me. If me, I still don't understand them. I've never asked anything from her. Simply offered consolation to a fellow traveler suffering in the dark throes of depression.

David said...

No problem Al, I can see your frustration and where it led you. I meet friends by chance and never know how it'll happen as I had a few which I'd known most of my life. Once they went their own ways I was left at the beginning, coincidentally at 42. I met a new girlfriend who promptly left me for mental hospital. That was it, and it's only someone I met recently who has really meant something but she's pretty well off limits.
Anyway, in the business we'd call it transference and projection as my frustration allowed you to release yours. But then it can spread over to the person read as well, but that's its nature.
Anyway, no problem on the apology, you understand yourself well enough to know and that's what really counts.