Saturday, April 01, 2006

The devil makes work...

When a moment hits when nothing fits the first thought is 'how long will it last?'. Tired (had to wake up on the alarm yet again today) and bored (was going for a walk before it rained), and even feeling guilty listening to person after werson who actually has a job.

Then you get anxiety (these tablets are good with the symptoms but don't really seem to calm the fear ahead like the others did, which is clearly a fault within the brain chemistry) and though I am fairly free now there's little to do with it and no one to share it with. So I actually wrote here not actually to complain, but to see if I could rearrange anything by laying it out in writing.

Ideally this room would not be one I used alone. I'd like to share it with someone, show them things on the computer, have their things on the desk and talk while I was on the internet.

Some fucking chance of that isn't there...

So given what I have, a house designed to provide as many occupations as possible for a single person, like a lighthouse keeper, and just enough space to contain it all, there isn't (besides the walk I may take after doing this) anywhere worth going outside either (until I go to the gym). But the gym is 99% business rather than pleasure. After 3 1/2 years I have started to show the signs of a dedicated visitor, but only the beginnings. And then only if I take my shirt off or have to lift something heavy. Neither of which happen very often, especially in freezing weather like we usually have.
So many people appear to hang out on funtrivia like I do as that is the best and most reliable place to go when you've got nothing to do. Fine, but would be nice to have both.

I have realised that there's no need to do something special every so often so you can keep up with your peers. Holidays, shows, lectures, how many people end up doing them more to tell people they've done it than actually because they liked it?
For me, it's enough effort doing them at all nowadays, so it's more or less something pretty damn special before I'll go anywhere like that, and the bonus is I can talk about it afterwards, as well as being pleased myself I managed it. The only one I would have done more was when Uri Geller did his show at Kempton Park. He started in 2001 at the Mind body and spirit festival, and again in 2002, and I hoped it would be annual but maybe he fell out with them as the year after he stopped though he still does plenty of other venues.
Though the show never changes it's Uri Geller and each time I see him do his thing it inspires me. Now he says he won't even say if he's genuine or not, which sort of ruins the old story he was gifted and special. Now he's opened the possibility everything that inspired me from 12 onwards was bollocks.
He's not the only person who's done psychokinesis, and the two others I know of and seen claim to be 100% genuine, one to the extent he refuses to waste his talents doing something that trivial. Surprising how some people take for granted what to every person in the universe except them is a miracle. If it ever was.

Oddly though (oops, the shift key came into operation there) I am not feeling free and happy after getting all my jobs out of the way last week. Yesterday I felt like it should have been my funeral I was at, mentally more than physically, and today is just averagely dead. As ex-prisoners confirm, even being let out of prison isn't so great if you go back to very little. And to quote Alice Morgan from the 80s, I have every right to complain despite my relative affluence (ie I own my own house). It's no pleasure having the things you need, I am lacking the things I want.
I wanted Alice Morgan as well, but all I got was her advice. She was a punk from a broken family who lived like a gipsy, scrounging food and favours from anyone and everyone she could (including a solid week from me) and once I drove her 100 miles and dropped her home never heard from her again. Kind of sums up nearly every woman I liked since then. I wonder if they are all still single as they basically just don't want anyone else? Wouldn't surprise me. All over 30 and no sign of a man wherever you look. Just to goddamn self centred to need one. One had Jesus, another had alcohol, and some were even content simply listening to the voices in their head.

I wonder how many people think I exagerrate for effect here. If only. Sometimes I tone it down so I don't scare anyone off. The number of people who seem OK, until they mention one thing that puts them off the track. It never puts me off them, as I couldn't care less about someone's weirdness as long as they're good company. It puts them off me as their obsession is above other people. Other people appear not to matter to them except when they need something. Alice, and all the others since. One wanted my soul, one wanted to be out of it, and another was more interested in her own inner world. Impossible to compete with what has been laughingly referred to as 'being too set in their ways'. One at least was sadly so set in her ways they had to lock her up. What a waste. Even my friendship wasn't good enough for most of them. At best (actually no better than being dropped altogether) I'd here from a couple every time they had a legal problem (not that I'm totally qualified, but being free makes up for that), and that's it.
Men with nothing to offer in the brains or personality department will never suffer from that. If a woman calls them there's only one thing they can get, so they do. With me, that's the last thing on their minds most of the time.

I've had no feedback from my 'shopping list', (surprise surprise) and I am desperate to know (assuming I will not change) if I am impossible to form a relationship with? If you compare other couples, most women want excitement. That includes fights, deception, unreliability etc., which counts me out. No excitement here, unless you include impressions of Bruce Forsyth. I am not a man who makes a woman feel alive. Most women see me as the father they wished they have, even the older ones. And what is the last thing they want to do with their father? You got it.
Catch 22. Have a brain, wisdom and patience and every woman who wants a good time goes elsewhere. So I keep painting, taking photos and even now going on TV occasionally, all good stuff but ought to be within a relationship rather than instead of one.

I also dreamt I was telling a woman this last night, who may have ended up filling the gap after understanding what I meant. I only remember as the phone woke me up with a message of someone playing tunes on the keypad and speaking German. No, I never took acid last night...

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