Thursday, April 27, 2006

Freedom 3

Well, after a pile (almost literally) of work (and not all paid HM Government) it's all been done!!

I still have my usual couple of clients but that isn't an issue as I enjoy most of that work. But all the papers are gone! Accounts, forms, and any of the other crap that is part of my life with no secretary, cook, sex object or other helpers have all been cleared. I have a bit of time now before another lot of arrangements so here I am. For those who worry (I am included) my health and energy have picked up the last few days, so shows something is working. Long may it last...

I can walk, shop, meditate, tidy, file or even mow the lawn, but apart from now I see computer and video filling the next 2 hours. Short of having my female sex object available, which always takes first priority in any options, what else? I don't want to wear myself out going to get essential supplies (both TV remotes have now gone dead, something which happens every few years and coincided in the same week), toilet paper is down to the last couple of rools and I've got no stamps, but sod it. Let my non-existent secretary do it. That is, if I don't do it, I don't have any. Maybe later when I return from grandma's. But I can still poke the actual TV and cable box and that'll do for a while yet.

So, with my main tasks done and the rest with no time limit, it's also a chance to 'just be'. That's when life becomes a meditation. Technically it's supposed to be possible when stressed as well, but all you feel when you do it then is usually stress. It's supposed to dissolve it but doesn't seem to happen though it is if you persist long enough. It's OK arsing around the house after clearing the decks, but I'd rather be sexually occupied, or even just someone to talk to here. Not a lot to ask is it? I'm watching a new DVD of the Secret Garden from 1975 which I don't remember seeing, which is a very good example. I'm half way through and it's about a rich orphan girl living alone in quarters in a stately home. She has all the money and food and shelter she needs, and sod all to do. The poor people who work for her have a full family life, not enough to go round materially but are happy. We need both! Occasionally I encounter jealousy for my material status (christ knows why) and point out it's a start but never a finish, and everyone can earn money if they work hard enough (yes, even I did once) but can't bring the right people into their lives.
I thought there were things wrong with me, why I repel literally every woman (since 1984) I like, but realised all my faults are minor, come and go, and seen men far worse happily married. I am just unlucky as I do not (as my family say) avoid places I could meet women. Then I wouldn't be rejected, I just wouldn't meet any.

Following yesterday's proposal list, I remembered a few more women I can't be bothered to add there but mention here. One is about 9/10 in the looks, but certain gaps in other areas. Another is about 3/10 in looks and very few gaps and would probably make a very good companion as her body makes up for her looks, and I think that would be good enough in practice. I'd drop to division two's as well, those I would have gone out with but only as they were there and convenient. But at 46 my standards are now compromising every year. There is a bottom line of boring/getting on my nerves I could never marry, or women with under about 2/10 looks, but I'm lonely, not a masochist!

I originally assumed unless a woman would have to be perfect like Vivienne in 1975 before I'd marry them, but compromise if single at 40. Now I think of the women I've been open to this decade and realised as long as they are reasonably attractive and good company I'd still be 99% better off than I am now. Simply being practical. Love has crept in where a few were concerned (one especially) and has in the past as well, but I no longer expect or require it as well, it'll be a bonus. And it can wear off I'm sure. Or grow. So comfort and attraction is it. But do I get even that? Bollocks I do. And I don't expect too much, want too much or do too little. I just seem to be outside the system somehow, as if I'm trying to make contact with people in another dimension. How long will it last? The bookies favourite is 'forever', but I hope I get lucky while everything's still working...

4 comments:

Philosopher Newport said...

you want something very much...

for unknown reason there's a law that says if you want something too much then that keeps it away...

guess it would be too easy otherwise.
this dreamgame is about struggle and suffering...and the rewards, the prizes, they are rarely as good as you had imagined...

want what you have, want they way things are now, get absorbed in your interests, and you'll somehow stand a better chance of landing a bird.

David said...

I suspect you see the same evil bias in the world I often do (though I have another voice in my ear telling me the opposite). But that rule seems to work, and could only be the work of the devil if you want to anthropomorphise nature.
I remember the minutes of prizes I had (that's about how long each lasted) and they were better than I could have expected, so I do have something positive to aim for as well. It's just very hard to find.

Philosopher Newport said...

as my old Chinese friend once said: if you can't find it where you are, then where do you hope to wander in search of it?

David said...

Maybe that's the answer, the right person always lies where I'm not. Schroedingers cat or something similar.