I wonder if deliberately changing my style to something more upbeat for a change would reflect in my outer life, putting the cart before the horse? I read a book that said if you make a request to the universe exactly as you want it with as much detail as possible, feel as if you've got it, bind it (using 'amen', for instance) and then forget about it you'll bring it into your life.
It's based on the theory we create everything, but chaotically until we learn to control it. If we make a watertight formula with little room for variation we may create that, just as if we were in a dream. I know my exact first formula, as I've worked out the best situation that would both provide me with the personal contact I need and a protection from the more hostile situations life faces me with.
I would pick a woman who is sexually compatible for me (no shortage of them I'm glad to say, they have so far just avoided any with me), good company, caring, sense of humour, and accepts me as company over material and social interests.
This means no demands to go out, do things and all the other crap most women expect throughout a relationship as a given. I don't know what other men want besides sex, but suspect as long as that's good if they never took their partner out again it wouldn't be to soon. Just an informed guess...
So if I put my CV from an earlier post in front of her, and she just said 'Who cares, I'd rather be with you than do all those other things without you'. Not unreasonable- I often took women out as they wanted it or they were so boring there was little to stay in for with them. Now if and when I feel like doing something, fine, I will. But not with the sword of Damocles hanging over my head 'I want to go to...' and a major mood if I don't go along with it. I have plenty of interests that got me out of the house and hardly ever went with anyone else. When I go to a market, football match, film or any other activity I'm too absorbed in what I'm doing to need anyone else with me. I don't mind either way, but at major exhibitions you lose your friend/s within five minutes and have to stand by the door to wait for them to pass by when you want to go. So it's not that I won't go out, I just don't need a woman to make that a requirement as having two sets of tablets to take to cover such situations after panic attacks that could win the panic attack olympic gold I can't do with that sort of pressure at the moment.
It's also a bugger as I came across a really nice woman on a dating site, and realised if I met her I'd have to risk such an attack as the pills are not yet infallible, being in the 'beta testing' stage, to borrow the internet term. When she didn't phone I wanted to meet her but thought what's the point of following it up when I wasn't well enough to do much anyway, as the tablets hadn't arrived then. Now there are a few women who I've known some time around as friends, who would all be a potential for more. I could even engineer it for one or two to read this so they wondered whether I was referring to them or not. But they know me well enough to have been able to see who I am regardless of problems and may be prepared to take on a hard case, especially when compared to the others (alcoholics, hooligans, schizophrenics etc) the worst thing I could ever do for them is leave an event or place as I couldn't take it. In fact in all my 20 years of genuine claustrophobia I almost never did leave anywhere when I got an attack. I froze myself and they normally passed. The effort involved in fighting them took it out of me for the next day or so, and the old tablets almost removed that mechanism.
The new ones don't. Besides not being taken all the time (different design) they were not really meant for that sort of thing, but to stop my heart from losing regulation. The tranquiliser part seems to have little effect, having taken two at once (it was part of the testing procedure) to see the right strength needed, but that made no difference. The beta blockers however work directly on heartbeat, and the monitor I use every week shows a drastic reduction to normal, and that was clearly the cause of most of the tiredness and more sinister symptoms as my blood pressure became low and oxygen wasn't getting through to my brain. That was not a phobia or phobic response, it was a physical failure where my brain had jammed the response in whichever part sends adrenalin to run away but stayed on a lot of the time. To run you need a fast heartbeat, and I was getting it up to around 180 just walking into a shop at times. That sort of experience over a few months scares the shit out of you, as especially when you don't know the cause I was already thinking of letters to send my friends in case I was on the way out. It felt like it.
Now it rarely does, about 2 months on. But I have to make tiny steps in where I go in case the panics return. They are not the plateau ones I used to have now, but peak at a point nearing unconsciousness. It has never happened (I reckon if it did it would be a lot more than a panic attack) but when you've been out a few times and had that you don't dare stay anywhere long in case. So back to my point, how many women I know or may know in the future can be arsed to cope with someone scared to leave the house at times? As a man I have no idea, as in a woman such a quality would make her marriage material for a lot of men. No more restaurants or crappy films? Hooray!!!
But women seem to like eating out in the way vampires need blood, and go to concerts and films like a heroin addict in some cases. I went to see a film, and if I'm out and I'm hungry if I don't get a roll from the bakers, I'll go to a cafe or a pub and that's it. Eating is a bodily function, and sitting in a crowded shop and wait ages for food that costs 15 times the price of buying it from Tescos and making it yourself seems like a scam to me. My version is the 'Kingsbury dinner party'.
Though I also did this at my friend's house when he lived here now it's more or less confined to here. I can't cook so invite about 4 people over every now and then and order as much take away food as we can (Indian, Chinese or pizza), spread out the little tables I have across the open plan lounge, and eat for Britain. Then I usually get the video camera out and do a quick version of Big Brother, and watch old editions I've made with them in the past. It's basically a miniature version of my birthday parties when I'd have 30 people here but more civilised (for me at least as organiser). The only bit missing is the swinging, mainly as that requires couples and one of the only times I was with someone at the time I was trying to get rid of her...
So, given the money I'd become a millionaire recluse, have a huge house with a pool and sports facilities, and invite endless strings of people over to have fun. I've spent weeks on similar holidays and as long as the people are good you never get fed up. Apparently Elvis became a lot like this in his final years, and I wonder how many people given the millions would prefer something similar as well?