Wednesday, April 05, 2006


One more off the rails here, it's become an additional freedom not just thinking of my forthcoming posts, but to leave them outside the limits, as reporting daily occurrences are so similar to others (whatever Tommy Boyd says) the elements of a dream should be introduced.

What I'd do if I had the say would be to take the flexibility of dreams, draw a line under any part that wasn't positive, and make my life the same as those. Every now and then it does happen, when coincidences fit too well, and sometimes I see someone who doesn't look 'quite right', as in not quite human. I need some consistency, so I can follow threads in life and not cut scenes randomly, so would keep that, but with the flexibility of flying, seeing at a distance and total safety within dreams, plus the restoration of losses. That includes injuries and hair loss, as well as items I'd lost or stopped being made long ago. Not to mention people, both dead and alive, who I meet all the time in dreams. Until then, I can only talk and think about it.

Sanity is about concensus reality, and within that criterion I can never leave it. My ramblings outside reality are all in my mind, and I'm only too aware the reality outside remains stubbornly fixed, almost as if in a freeze frame. Like when a computer freezes, when life outside appears to continue but my view of it sees a frozen frame. From here nothing is changing, and like a dream which is dreadful and negative, you find treasure only to wake up and find it was only in a dream, or even when you're dreaming realise 'hang on, this sort of thing only happens in dreams, sod it...'
Turn it around. Let things move again. I see the last 46 years gradually slowing down until they finally stopped altogether. Nothing that is done or happens outside affects me inside any more. Maybe I am frozen in my consciousness like a coma and everything going on outside may just as well be a hallucination. I can blame outside crap for some of it, but they are ripples within the same pond of inertia. It has ground to a halt, and despite sitting here with the sun shining through the window, Iain Lee introducing mainly the lowest possible level of humanity on the radio, the cat in front of me on the desk, and Arsenal ready to play in just over an hour, I feel I may as well be asleep. Everything I do of any use wears off as quickly as the highs I sometimes got from meditation, where you see the high come on and almost see it wear off as you realise it's there. There is nothing here to keep me high for long either. The dream has managed to take all the worst qualities of a dream while leaving out all but the tiniest positives as I've described already.

I've given up looking for answers, and almost given up trying to escape. There is no escape besides the classical financial method. On that point I just saw our family house up for sale after my 12 year exile. Where I belong and like seeing your ex wife's new husband be run over by a bus, know it's even worse as though she's now available again, it's not for you. More twists of a nightmare nature.
Tiredness continues, as whatever I do or don't do I still sleep longer than allowed nearly every day, and unlike 10 years ago feel it every day it happens.

Scientifically, it is true nearly all our symptoms go when asleep. Pain definitely does when not dreaming, and usually even when dreaming. So it means that even with toothache from a physical cause, you don't have to feel it. But wake up and it's back. A bit of a clue to a possible treatment (and one I read rather than worked out) as it means most of our symptoms can be disregarded if we could harness the mechanism we use every night to turn off all our symptoms. In dreams, we barely if at all feel any symptoms when ill, though we are conscious and thinking albeit at a lower level. But that tiredness or headache don't usually follow us there. Another clue. Hypnosis is the standard means to exploit that mechanism, but doesn't yet go nearly far enough.

So maybe the more static my world becomes outside, the more unregulated it becomes here, as if it may even start it off again by doing so. But at least I have no rules here (besides don't get myself arrested) so besides inciting crime or libelling anyone (like I would) I can make it like science fiction or a fairy story if I feel I'd rather have a bit of that than the scene I just described. No ufos out there, no entities floating around my office and no auras around anything.

Back to earth I've just got a £1 frame for my picture, which my mum said was too good to sell, and petrol has gone up about 12p a gallon since I last filled up so my car's almost empty as each garage I passed was a penny more so I haven't beaten the first offer I turned down, where I will have to go later tonight after all. So why do you think I prefer to dream...

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