Wednesday, April 19, 2006

Superhuman tasks

Still looking for a point, I do see where the area may be though. My own suffering may actually have a purpose I have yet to discover, as whenever one thing stops another one starts within not very long. I used to fear the worst, and one by one they became real, until I feared life itself.

Not being able to rely on my own constitution I had to rely on medication to fill the gaps, and now take on the odd job one by one I may not be able to complete. That in any terms is a journey to hell and back, and money is no real element. Rich and poor people get the same troubles besides financial ones, and most are down to health and people, which don't respect money. Not that I'm rich, I just manage, pay my bills and buy the cheapest of everything.

Now if I gradually learn strategies after each situation that allow me to cope with previously nervous situations, simply because whatever drives my life is a perfectionist, that would be a logical answer. I had to face every fear I had (not including permanent disabilities) or they'd just give me the same situations over and over again until I did learn what to do (as in many religious stories). Having a wife or partner must then be earned, as presumably imposing my inadequacies on one, meaning she couldn't share holidays, restaurants or theatres, let alone be visited in hospital, should I be 'on one' at the time. By that I mean if I get claustrophobic you won't get me near any confined space unless a cocktail of tablets so effective I think I'm on Jupiter. And I am forced to either learn how to or get more of the same.

There would only be a point if I needed such superhuman qualities. Most people with weaknesses who can function just do their best within their limits. Just because you could lift a car with one hand if you trained for long enough doesn't mean you have to, and overcoming the worst of my weaknesses would be possible but would then mean I was immune to more or less every awful situation known to man, which would make me a saint. But what a training to be so! I didn't ask for it, or care much whether I had problems or not if I could avoid their worst effects in a practical way. Making me not care when I catch something nasty or have to spend a day on a course is of little practical use to me as I have finished taking courses and if I get ill I'm in the same boat as everyone else who has been.

Moreover, my strengths are pretty good as well, and given a choice to swap them (or even half of them) for more peace of mind I doubt I would, as I'd be like a castrated cat. I'd be less bothered about life and produce very little. Wasting talent is such a shame, so when I was young and showed talents in various areas like the piano, I'd be very disappointed with myself if I couldn't do at least one or two of them properly as I can now. And if I suddenly found I couldn't use my logic or memory properly (like after a stroke) I'd have lost something I no longer take for granted. I'd remember I could do it and never be able to again. That's too much to lose for a trade. So in order to keep my strengths, rather than be accepted with a pile of both at extreme levels, something is setting me every situation one or two at a time so I can't avoid them any more. And some aren't common ones, and others are the sort you could do a lot better if shared. But I have no armour, no reserves and not even any prizes if I win a task, but instead another, usually even worse.
So should I sound like a broken record, it's because each week as my resistance to stress lowers another point, the stress continues in every imaginable form. I imagine balance, where at least if one bad thing's happening a good one is as well. But that's not real life which isn't organised like a machine. There was one time I had to go to a wedding (a whole day's work) and I'd just met a girlfriend, so was so high thinking about that it got me through the travelling and the reception (though I bottled the rest of it in order to manage going at all). That's the one time it happened I can remember, and by the laws of chance wasn't significant.

So, anyone now in any doubt why I complain a lot, here is the picture in cinemascope. It seems I am being put through a set of tests to face my worst fears and learn to overcome them. That or I'm paranoid, but at least it explains how it seems from here, with just the odd day or two off until something spoils it yet again. One good reason I get so tired.


Sharon said...

I have to disagree with one thing. You worried about imposing your inadequacies on a wife or partner. If the person loved you then the "inadequacies" wouldn't matter to them as they would see beyond them to the real you.

David said...

It's more fearing the worst, and losing points per problem. I couldn't care less as long as a partner isn't delusional, and having said that had one of them for a long time as well and managed ok.
But if I meet someone who finds that out before they know me some may not want the baggage?