Friday, July 28, 2006

Bits of rubbish

Thank goodness I only have one little job out to do which can wait, the other two have been done and I have the rest of the day to relax (the germs have given me a bit of a kick today) before I go to my mum's later. I felt a lot better yesterday so what did I do? I went to bed at 3.30. Not clever.

So, my 'system' remains slowly shifting, like everything else in life. Probably at a geological rate in my case, but the date did happen, I gave her my clear message of intent and the ball's now in her court. I can't do any more where she's concerned. Otherwise I have a long list of little jobs to do around the house/garden which can be done whenever I want, and due to lack of alternatives am now focused on waiting to hear when I'll next be on TV.
I've also been talking about enlightenment, and decided that even in Nick Roach's abstract description happiness has to be in there somewhere, or at least inner peace. No one could ever be the slightest bit interested in it otherwise, though admittedly if the truth is we are one then you can't help being enlightened in the only way possible, but within the dream the pleasure experiences described by others would be preferable, unless they really are aspects of the same thing seen through different people.

If I feel OK I haven't got anything to complain about today, but I will say I seem to be deserted by my two best friends at Funtrivia, one often vanishes as she's very busy but not the other. If either of you are still reading, which is probably unlikely or you wouldn't have vanished, what have I done? Apart from rants about having to live in an overpopulated sewer which used to be a middle class London suburb, which just about anyone who'd seen the area decline over 40 years, nothing. It's not just London, everywhere's gone the same way in their proportion, we are just the leaders. If I was married I may move away simply to avoid the queues and crowds, though I have no idea what it would be like living in the middle of nowhere or how far from London I'd need to go before I found it. Of course if I was a millionaire I'd move to the oasis of Hampstead Garden Suburb, but unless someone sees me on TV and decides to make me a star that won't happen.

I do wonder if the feelings of waiting to 'get somewhere' will last all my life? They started when I was living at home and wanted to share a house with people my own age and the opposite sex. Ten or so years later I did and it was crap. I realised getting strangers to share your house for money wasn't the same as marriage to them, and after some years earning (and losing) a little rent I packed that in and became a total hermit rather than share with weirdos. I thought once I was qualified I'd feel settled, but that just took the edge off the worst of it and didn't get me an actual job after a couple of years trying though a few clients could only come if I was. It simply shows planning your life ahead and expecting it to happen because you planned it is a fantasy. Life moves you, if you do your best it's just like putting a coin in a fruit machine. You do your bit, expend your energy and it's out of your hands like an exam. We write them, others mark them. We make plans, work for them and others fulfil them.

I'm sure if I was put back to where I was before my mum left, when we lived in our first and second houses and apart from being an only child was perfectly happy, I'd feel like I'd made it. Enlightenment is the equivalent of contentment on a spiritual level I believe, which isn't dependent on circumstances. As Maharaji says, if you rely on the unreliable (outside circumstances) you can never be content. Look for the contentment within and then whatever happens outside is of secondary importance. That's why I've been on this road for 10 years and can only see any possible escape that way besides getting the woman of my dreams into bed. Through blogging I've realised there really is nothing wrong with me that would put a woman off, and on Thursday they have a programme with 3 guys like me learning to pick up women despite being pretty physically unappealing. I've also seen people with every level of mental problems and most of them were married so it covers every fault I can imagine I may have, but who doesn't?

Well that's about it. Two lives. Mine and the one I wanted. No wonder I dwell on the past. Nearly anything and everything I want now is only in memories. When the cars were Ford Populars and Zephyrs. Trains used little card tickets, music wasn't connected with disco dancing, modern houses were modern, traffic lights had white stripes on the poles (when did they go?), Routemaster buses drove throughout London, my friends all lived within ten minutes walk, I had all my relatives alive, they still made Carry On films, money was worth something and we had something called shillings, petrol only cost shillings a gallon, and we had gallons not litres, I had all my hair, you could park anywhere outside the centre of London free, and the kids didn't imitate the lowest of the low scum criminal types to be cool. Things not only can be good, but we had it and lost it. It's all going backwards now. We may have fantastic new technology but if all it does is allow kids to walk the streets saying 'innit, safe, wicked' on mobile phones up and down the country, adults to do the same while driving with one hand on the wheel, and send pictures of each other's cocks on them it really isn't worth the tradeoff. Like the great cultures of Greece and Rome went into decline, this one is,but I suspect it's not just Britain, it's worldwide. Now do you understand why I complain?

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