Saturday, July 08, 2006


This is weird, I just loaded the blog and it had the same stats from lunchtime today. It looks like it loaded a cached page like Flickr does occasionally, which only has earlier entries. Anyway, that's what this is all about, shifts. The shift to 5 figures on my counter (I suspect a 6 figure one costs money where I went, and within 5 years or so will need one at this rate, should we all still be here). And when each area shifts, nothing seems to change. Let me elucidate (only if you clear it up yourself- The Goodies).

My earlier 'gang of four' (Chinese communist reference) non-responses by email have all responded, though each took a reminder or two first. But three remain undone. Each one said 'We're busy, I'll reply later'. So I know the only reason they took so long is they're so busy they can't write a page of type, which is 75,000 times more busy than I've ever been as I can always find time to write to people. But that's me and I'm special. Anyway, back to the point. Each issue can shift, and then fuck all happens. TV happens, thank God, my third priority after sex and enlightenment. They need us as much as we need them, especially those of us (99.9% of all people?) who will appear for nothing. So that's just a delay thing which screws me up more than just about anything else and always has. There's sod all happening while I wait. But the rest of my list, which does add from time to time, shifts weeks or months later than I'd expect on each one, and never seem to deliver a bloody thing when they do, just a promise to at a later date.

Insanity is a very likely result of all this failure, and for the latest examples I can add: One woman who seems to have melted away after a little comment by me. Please God a total coincidence and not a faux pas by me as per usual. More women I naively invite on an open offer and never call me. Each week you wonder until a few pass and you realise you'll never see them again. Am I really so boring I wonder? Or irritating? Does the persona I present online that has tens of unattainable women throwing themselves at me from impossible distances turn extremely nasty as soon as they meet me? I don't know, I'm on the inside so can't tell. I certainly have no more bad habits than the next guy, I can be tactless, selfish, lazy and the rest but still harmless and try and make an effort. Who the hell knows? Only the women on the list totalling hundreds who have turned down my approaches since I was about 9. The silly thing is I'm not sure how many other people would object to it, but to me the most useful help is to hear what's wrong with me directly, just like after a job interview. How on earth can you learn blindfolded? If the women, like in a few Woody Allen films, gave their reasons for rejecting me (one, after hours of pushing, said it was because I didn't wash my hands after a piss, I kid you not) I could start to see a pattern form. But no, they just melt away one by one before I can do what I'd like to do.

The more I look into the past the more I see Sarah-with- the-nose (yes, these descriptions are how surnames first came into existence) would have covered every requirement compared to those who are outstanding in some areas and terrifying in others. She was easy company, and besides the obvious, not at all bad looking, especially physically. She had no ego or attitude but her one fatal flaw was being so judgemental it was all or nothing. That is a personality defect like any other, as everyone who hasn't used physical violence or theft deserves a second chance. My crime was to be in a bad mood for a few hours on our first date. Big fucking deal. If I'd been a bird I could have said I was menstrual and get away with murder, but men are expected to be able to keep a fake presentation whenever required whatever's going on outside our bodies. Our hormones are stable and minds relatively stable as a result. But we get away with nothing. Forgiveness is in the bible as a great virtue, and with all her all-round goodness, Sarah had a hell of a long way to go missing that vital quality.

Anyway, I love pulling people apart, it teaches me a lot, and fills these dreadful gaps where as there's no one physically here I have to go on about people when they were. And my guess is Sarah will remain single even longer than me (103?) as the fact she was still pretty hard-core alone at 38 (from what I could gather) meant there were far rougher waters beneath the surface than appeared, which was indicated by her extreme reaction to a bit of a bad day. The trouble is every attractive woman since 1980 (besides one I dumped for living too far away) has been exactly the same. So my refuge is going on TV seeking fame, and having to wait the inevitable months or more from filming to airing, which is not the way to follow your life. But it's the way I have been presented with and haven't a better track to switch to. Each of the women I know could fix that, but who ever will?

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