Sunday, July 30, 2006

New attitudes

Interesting. I don’t know whether the new (though as old as me) book I’ve just started just gave me a bit of a push, but all the inadequacy and guilt over the last year or so seems to have gone. I don’t think I’m inadequate, it was all an illusion. Probably one made by society, that if you don’t have a job or can do anything other people do you’re no bloody good. But looking at some of the great performers in all areas no one cared and often even knew their personal problems and hang-ups, maybe with the exception of Jonathon King and Gary Glitter.

Besides those rich enough not to need to work (come on, who wouldn’t want to) there are a few people not conforming with the norm, and if it wasn’t essential to have a roof over your heads to work full time such alternatives could become the norm. Most people work as they’re forced to by circumstances. They assume it’s essential but those poor sods I know with mental and physical problems who haven’t worked for years, surprisingly have not a shred of guilt. One lied to her fiancé she had a job (and got away with it) but he was the exception to her embarrassment, or lack of it. He on the other hand owned a garage and sounded like a total wanker. She was a bit soppy and boring but looked the business, and mainly never took off between us as she wasn’t on the phone and lived almost abroad (Wimbledon). The friend who introduced us was the age I am now (this was 15 years ago) and had to give up work after a breakdown, saying at 40 she’d retired. As long as the doctor agreed she probably has managed to. But I respected her more than many people. Why? Because she lived on her own. To me, in our incredibly comfortable family house with cooks and cleaners (OK, parents, OK, one parent) managing alone was more valuable than a full time job. To me nearly everyone shared when they left home to soon become married. Those poor sods who missed out, job or no job, did and still do get my respect. The only reason I don’t work is simply no one wanted me. In the end I gave up trying and then my health made a job the last thing on my agenda.

So my mission now is to accept and be proud of being different but equal to the sheep. Not because they do what everyone else does, but because they believe it’s the only way. I hope and wish unemployment becomes in the 8 figures as soon as possible and people are forced to get back to a more natural way of life. With various jobs moving abroad and others being taken by the massive influx of new European Union members the jobs have to start declining, and if the oil and gas runs out many industries couldn’t carry on. But that’s so far ahead I’d be on (no I wouldn’t, I never paid the contributions, well my boss didn’t) I’d be a pensioner anyway. So I have to live my own alternative now, but starting with myself have turned the tide of disapproval. I no longer disapprove of myself, and now will not care about others. Having something as simple as chicken pox proves how impossible it is to override a genuine illness. Now chronic fatigue makes you feel exactly the same, so much so until the spots came out I didn’t realise I was ill, I just thought it had got worse as usually it comes and goes but it became consistent. If you have no energy and you ‘force yourself’ you will become worse, and the worse you get the less you can do until it becomes a form pf paralysis. Been there done that got the mental scars. But no more. The only element needed now is the woman who doesn’t give a shit and wants me and not what I can or can’t do as even I never know from moment to moment.

So I have shifted the attitude. I will see what follows and added to the fact I realised I can’t make myself do anything if I’m not well enough and there’s no clue how long that will last I am forced into my alternative way of life in the dustbin just as much as the son of a billionaire has in the jet set. I’ll say one thing, had I that much money I’d have a private doctor visit, take a blood and heart test just in case there is something behind it. I reckon if there was I’d be in hospital by now but you never quite know, I learnt medicine from books most of my life and unfortunately chronic fatigue is a symptom of many conditions, from anaemia (my fingernails are red so doubt it), hypoglycaemia (no idea) to heart problems (unlikely if I can do an hour in the gym). I’ve had a few trips to the doctor who said besides a blood test he thought from what he could see it was tachycardia and I have the pills for it. Still tired half the time though. Without a virus. So I’d have every test going, and if they found there was nothing wrong that alone would probably make me feel better, and if not, even if incurable at least I could tell people a name. Chronic fatigue isn’t an illness, it’s like a headache, a symptom. I just haven’t the will to get it checked any more unless forced to, which is not on my plans.
I may have a collection of crap but my blog lets me organise it better. I now have nice parallel lines of crap with numbers on them and coloured labels. What a load of crap…

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