Nothing special really

I have lacked a bit of blogging inspiration recently, and though the hits seem to have stabilised daily I've had no comments for a while. Maybe I'm not being contraversial enough. The glasses arrived today, seem ok except the right eye doesn't seem to read very well on its own, but can't tell unless you cover the other one. I'll check the other pair as it could even be the reading bit has got worse already, god forbid (more money and hassle, no thanks). It was dark by 2 when the rain clouds covered the sky all day so no photos, but the new memory card I just got was the same price but 8 times bigger, so no more limits for quality or quantity now. I've done the local scenes in 2 years so will be doing high definition views and longer videos now. I hope to do one tomorrow but the weather needs to be OK. Then the indoor plans begin.

A new article followed by more pictures not to sell but do look good on the wall if no one buys them. My little list of jobs is gone now, only housework type now and usual shopping. I wish I could find someone equally alone and bored with life to share with as there must be plenty of us out there. Those spat out by the world when others are married through no fault of their own deserve better. Besides that the TV programmes are getting closer, the Sky online is advertised for autumn but no clues yet, the other seem to be about to use me in their publicity so I hope I get to see it. Oh, and the woman who served me for the memory card was pretty much like some I come across in my dreams, and I just saw her first name is on the receipt. Maybe I should find a reason to go there again, despite her probably having the stereotype criminal boyfriend. They always seem to go for the rough types, the nicer the woman the more disgusting the boyfriend. It's rather a long way to travel but if I was getting a reward at the end of it I'll find a way.

I'm not getting to bed any earlier despite the Funtrivia quiz round ending an hour earlier (soon to end thank goodness) but am getting everything done regardless which is all that really matters. Meanwhile I wait and hope for a little more than lack of stress to arrive in my life, it is better to have none but pretty quiet and time something good happened. Why should I miss out for so long?

This was my week.

A few reasons I haven't popped in for a while, firstly (a good thing), I've been pretty busy doing other things and secondly (not so good) none were enough to bother to report at the time. But it's the end of the week and I can both say I took 3 more lots of photos even though it was getting dark, and otherwise just getting on with things, waiting for a couple more TV programmes to air soon (so I'm told) and wondering what to do about the last woman left in the system. It's not like I have any options except yes or no, there's no opposition to choose from. Other than that at least what started as an unplanned week was busy, no stress for a change and seem to have done a pretty successful healing, once I follow it up to check.

This colour must have been available all the time but I've only just found it, and is possibly my favourite so far. The other thing that kept me occupied was Facebook, something I knew nothing about but has sucked half the people I know into the last month. No idea what started it off but I've done almost as much connecting on it as I did on Friends Reunited, except of course women usually use their married names so little possible to find on that side. But it's busy and I have got in touch with a number of people old and new and if they cut out all the poking and other assorted nonsense I'm sure we could just stick to gossiping and similar. It also fills the pages with so much stuff it takes all day to load some of them.

From now onwards I still have no plans really. My spare glasses are taking longer than last time, it gets dark by 4pm and will do for another 2 months plus, and do at least have a few indoor stuff set up for the dark days. And maybe even try and flog some more albums as well as order the latest one I loaded up but haven't arranged yet. Meanwhile the arrangement in life is showing itself constantly, I regularly get obscure quiz questions which repeat on TV or the radio within a day and when I wanted to set up a meeting including my alien abductees they both contacted me to come overshortly the next day. We are all being taken up in this one at a time, and although there's no apparent purpose that's shown itself yet in it all at least it means either I am doing it all subconsciously or there is a higher power able to move life around at will. Either way it means there is a control behid the scenes and can only hope all my ambitions will work as a result. I have realised there's no virtue (quite the opposite) in suffering ordeals for success. All this jungle nonsense in I'm a celebrity does no mean doing a parachute jump or eating bugs qualifies anyone as a success. You should either do them as you like it, are paid well or not at all. I now see no credit at all in having to go through anything in life in order to score points and raise your status.
Passing qualifications is different, and can be hard or easy depending on your abilities, but an degree you found easy is no less valid than others who found the same one hard. I already read we should lose all pride in any suffering, like illness, or we'll just keep on getting it. Same for any crap. I no longer believe I need to do one more thing to show 'I have' ever again. If I do anything ambitious like a holiday or a show it'll be because I want to, not because I want to prove something. That's what they call bad medicine and equates success and growth with suffering, which is the opposite to how it should be.

Please God my life now changes to reflect the new decision never to take on any more stress to grow, and the rest can be fun and just go with the flow. Believe me I think I've had a full quota of the brown stuff already.

It seems longer...

Back again, work is being slowly got through at last, but I suspect the blogging scene will be more improved now by writing on other blogs so people will read mine. So many more people have them now that I am wading through what I can only call very limited people to get to the rare gold in between.
One subject blogs, the dreaded link addicts, teenage waffle and non stop (poorly spelt) swearing. Fuck that for a read (note the irony there, except I can spell?).

Anyway, haircut now had, the silly woman I booked with let me down twice and said she stopped doing it, then a friend offered (not professional) and did the same job I'd have got anywhere else. Makes a change. I got in a professional traffic jam as well today, one I assumed was not permanent but seems to have been present in office hours now for 30 years with no cause. Willesden High Road. The good news is it moves it from Cricklewood Broadway so having gone that way to avoid Cricklewood ended up turning round an going back the way I came, in a storm and while darkness was falling at 4pm. Yes, London is easily the worst place on earth to drive and then half the decent roads had humps added to them.

I paid enough for 2 prostitutes (so I'm told) for a spare pair of glasses yesterday, and hope to get them made before Christmas. I don't usually pay much for anything but I didn't design my astigmatism and requires very specific lenses now I'm getting on a bit. As I see perfectly with them I am not having operations and sadly the contact lenses I got caused more pain than a chili enema. Not that I've actually had one but many morning afters the curry before gave me an idea. By the way if the lovely lady I just linked here reads this please pop in and make a comment before you go, it makes people think I have readers ;)

More jobs now than not have been knocked off the list so now it's buying a new memory card for the camera for clever shots than need it, using my free food vouchers from the Co op, fixing my bike (again) and the next lot of photos assuming it doesn't get dark at lunchtime again. My usual visitor for 'a bit of the other' has stopped for a while, that is her only asset and forcing me to go elsewhere is probably a blessing in disguise. It's a lot of trouble for not very much in return (I always prefer quality over quantity). So far there is no alternative but just about anything would do as a temporary measure, I'm only human after all and never paid for it in my life.

And finally on topical issues, the '3 metre' (sounds the size of a small van to me but only as it's close to 3 yards) storm surge in the North Sea promises to be another news stillbirth. They just said it'll cause a little minor flooding soon after closing the Thames Barrier, why they can't just wait and see what happens you can't beat nature. 999 times out of 1000 nothing is ever predicted and this is about the 998th in my memory that is highly likely not to make any newspapers once the hour passes (8am). Anticlimax generation is what the media excel in and the couple of really big storms we had were never seen beforehand, as was 9-11. Not that I want terrorism, it just points out we can't see anything really big coming, including asteroids heading for earth, (ha ha) Yellowstone Park exploding, (my arse) and a large portion of a Canary Island falling off, (hand me a hanky). One thing I can tell you is any damage from tomorrow's storm is going to be greater than the combined effects of those three wild guesses plus global warming which would actually be the majority's friend if it was real.

I am not paid by anyone for my views so probably far more reliable than the BBC. And I am not being funny either.

Up down and sideways

Ups and downs really, in theory I have been told I have nothing to feel guilty for, I do as much as anyone else if I don't look at what I used to do but don't now. And I went to Brent Cross so not all lost. In practice there literally wasn't anything to do offline except a trip to the health food shop and some really shitty chores tomorrow. It's on the borderline of adequate but I know the difference. I think the rest of the week should be free but that means no work either, and the last clients didn't like me. Enough do but the ones who seem to get on fine and then vanish are a mystery. One probably thought I fancied her (the cat was a lot more fanciable, even the neighbour's one which is a male) but it was staring in pure horror if I did... No names so I can say what I like.

Leisure wise I intend to go to Hampstead next, not quite repeats for houses and people in the High Street if I can stop safely there. I am now even paying for meters when available to get photos but you only pay the minimum. The barber let me down big time so at least the old one will profit and she was better anyway. My hair looks like Einstein's now (less but similar) and people are assuming I'm homeless. No, just sexless. An article I just read told me many of my symptoms are from lack of pleasure which made sense to me. I barely touch a woman nowadays which isn't good for me, and barely speak to anyone from day to day. Physical symptoms should improve if life improved. How will that happen I wonder?

Otherwise I have the time to get more jobs done, and there's little light to take photos late so trips will be made elsewhere at last. New glasses (I can't manage with one pair really), cat supplies etc etc. Fascinating and necessary. Then selling some albums at last. No profits, just publicity. I nearly asked somewhere yesterday except I had no sample with me and they had no computer to look at the originals. I'll return and many more places to try.
If any week of my life provides more than I hope for it could be a miracle, but I live in hope.

The ultimate satsang

Plenty of activity for a change. Firstly for some reason there appears to be a whole new heap of advaita lectures online, and most I've never heard of. I think I've got it. Enlightenment has had a bit of a dodgy press. The two elements of difference and amazing experience appears to be wrong. Every person I've listened to says the one thing. If you look at how you are now, but differently, that's it.

Technically they are right. What am I now? Simple. Nothing, awareness of that nothing, and a whole lot of stuff within that such as thoughts, feelings, sounds and images. But no 'me' as such behind them, and certainly no past or future as well.

So does that mean I'm enlightened? I can see that very clearly, mainly because a couple of them actually explained it clearly. Without using the hundreds of extra pages one uses I can repeat it clearly as well. I am what is here now, consisting of awareness and stuff going on within it. What else is there? Nothing. The bonus for many is when they discover this they get a great feeling of peace, relief and often this lasts possibly indefinitely. Enlightenment is only there when it does last. And why would everyone bother to spread the word if it wasn't better to know this and be aware of it than anything we had before?

So there is nothing we need to get or be different, just see what is there now but as it is. Does it work for you?

Powerless?

Habitually returning to my place of unloading, although what I can unload is far from original. Facebook has mopped up more time finding more people from my past, helpful till I meet some in the present but so far none near enough to actually see again. Nothing has actually happened, and sometimes I wonder if it will. OK my 4th TV showing is essential to complete its series although no one here can even watch it. But I'll see it on DVD and know it's probably had more viewers than any other although none can bump into me unless they're 'vacationing' round Brent Cross or Finchley Road which is hardly likely.

The following week is little different from every other in the diary, and as little ever happens outside the diary projection (does it for anyone?) I see a few photos in Hampstead and maybe related areas, and if I get really bored may buy a new video camera to keep me doing something outdoors. Now it's dark most of the day it would be write my next article followed by more paintings no one will ever buy. They look nice but produce nothing for me.
One little development is people are starting to ask me spiritual questions. To be honest my own development is limited to the sort of clairvoyance anyone can learn in 5 minutes and just keep on repeating. And knowing you can see auras. Hardly a requirement for a visiting teacher in an ashram is it? But I was born with intuition and however little use this knowledge is for me it helps others so it's a start. Like sitting in a pile of shit and telling other people how to escape from their own while having no way to leave yours. It happens and is no joke. Not if you're in it.

Can anyone ever see something good clairvoyantly? I have seen bad things in advance so I suppose why not good? It's about bloody time I can tell you. I have a haircut booked for Tuesday, path cleaning Wednesday and who knows what gems beyond? And that's the good stuff. My imagination doesn't stretch beyond that and although I appear to have come across my guardian angel in a dream she hasn't done a lot since I woke up. All this cack about needing to work, struggle and suffer to gain anything isn't true, and even if it was I haven't got anything the easy way. My degree took 5 years, I had to go to lectures for 15 months to qualify for my meditation course and really all I got was some money to buy some of my house, mainly as by the time it was offered the prices had gone up so much more was needed. Long story but that was the outcome. Otherwise I've done it all the hard way, with a little financial subsidy which is not rare for those of a certain social group. But I seem to have been through much more than most, and the only reasons I didn't have jobs is no one would give me any when I didn't. And all I discovered there was you can suffer nearly as much stress without a job as with one. The world has many angles the shit can aim from and work is just the biggest. Hospital visits (to others), possible financial ruin, neighbours, poor health, incontinent pets and their uninvited visitors, accusations, vanishing friends, other disappointments and Ken Livingstone.

No surprise really the balance seems slightly tilted to the negative, each person or event that offers a potential return ends short or never arrives at all. I've spelled this list out before but has coloured my view as a result. It can change in a second and I remember when it was quite different, but no way I can do it by will.

Mental...

They're talking about Boris Johnson on the radio. Di man is bombaclaat. Im nuttin but pussy maan. I suppose if I'm going to call names I may as well make them more colourful than prat, wanker and shithead, but this total twat is standing against Ken Livingstone but wants to keep the congestion charge! What is the fucking point of opposing a total arse like Ken and parrot his only bleeding policy?

OK, I've got that out of the way, there's little else to say. The dry and sometimes sunny weather has had me out with the camera all over the place, for the two days I wasn't working, and I'm reading this on IE7, my second try as the last couldn't cope with the old computer. All the print is darker (quite useful since my close vision became a little more distant) although I may need to ditch the Yahoo toolbar as it does all that jazz itself now. Otherwise my spiritual journey has got nowhere, although the nightly hypnosis has been making me sleep well so far. Interestingly although I write in little notebooks as well as here (including pictures) I have run out of material for them but not for here. My only inspiration for blogging is the ability to type and the rest just happens, as you'd expect from the quality. I think I never swore in my life in writing till catching the rude bug here, although I suppose if I'd call Ken Livingstone something I'd wipe off the inside of my toilet in person I can in writing, although I draw the line at certain words. I was brought up properly you know.

My list of plans is crawling ahead although the doctor decided not to add my tranquilisers to this prescription. I wonder why he didn't warn me first when I spoke to him although I may survive without them again. If I could introduce something else orally besides tablets more often it would have a similar therapeutic effect. and at 3.30PM today Paul Ross called Alison Bell (on LBC radio) 'The Grinch with a vagina'. Unscripted methinks, she nearly shat herself and he was very embarrassed after 'you said the V word!?'. I was pissing myself. She professionally carried on and said how entertaining he was, while thinking how to resign without losing too much money...

Otherwise the daily and weekly routines are dragging on unabated, no relief from anticlimaxes and non events, I emailed a heap of people, known to me and celebrities last week and just one replied, who was one of the celebrities. What a record. People I knew ages ago, two more celebrities, and a few on Facebook. Not a bloody squeak. I reply to every email I get, assuming I know them and usually if they are for me and not a million other people. Now if I live for long enough firstly my old friend who went abroad will return (although miles from here), and I may meet someone else to hang out with. One celebrity is local and seems like good company, but nothing there assuming he doesn't have a thousand emails before he gets to mine. I just sent another to someone who is both a celebrity and an old friend, I was already in touch with him but just found him on Facebook which is quite useful except women don't use their maiden names (how many men want to meet women they knew who are married?).
That's one way women have the advantage over us, we are who we always were and can be found easily, they change theirs (apart from maybe two I knew who remain single) and although may divorce are impossible to find outside Friends Reunited. One there is still interested in me but not available.

One thing I am not going insane whatever some people suggest. I have one single fault up there, anxiety. No one ever got put away for anxiety, although many put themselves away by hiding at home most of the time. That isn't madness, just a weakness. Given a choice I'd rather keep my intellect and suffer than lose it and be free to travel anywhere like I used to as I'd be far less productive and achieve little. At home all my talents can be used and although I can't demonstrate them in so many places any more that may happen again. I'm wondering if the last two people I didn't hear back from did it because of that but if anyone's that judgemental they really aren't worth the effort. I avoid people if they're boring. Any other fault doesn't bother me unless it puts me or my property in danger. But it scares so many people they assume you're weird and maybe they'll catch it. I wish everyone like that did for a day just so they know it's totally outside our control and as real as any other symptom. I see it change and come and go and is really unrelated to anything I do, it's just an internal problem that is now becoming seen as actual brain abnormalities. That makes perfect sense as any organ that's malformed isn't going to work properly and the brain can produce mental as well as physical symptoms, and mine does both as it can't control my heart rate any more, my tablets need to limit that when required.

Well, the walk I was going to have is on the cards 2 hours late and I won't go very far. Busy working the next couple of days so spending these hours of freedom while I can. And guess what, I'm not getting paid for any of it either. That's how it works...

Fatalism

I wonder what a prisoner would write about in a blog? Not much happening there, especially if in solitary. Well when all I do is leave the house for an hour to take a few pictures somewhere I've taken them 5 times before as that is all there is to do means there isn't much to report. I haven't even got in touch with the only woman standing (with some good reason) and there has been no news of any sort with only the arrival of a couple of music DVDs to break the monotony. I've heard nothing yet about the next TV (online) appearance, officially 2 months left of autumn so no rush for them to remove their fingers from deep within their media rectums. The 4th showing isn't for ages and I'll only be able to see it on DVD once they send it.

It has got simply boring, everything that shows promise ends in anticlimax, and if I'm given messages in dreams that all is well why does nothing in my life happen to reflect that? I am using youtube now for hypnosis, meditation and psychic development lessons, can I do any more? Can I bollocks. I think I managed half a job on my growing list last week, ahead may be one or two this week but none are that urgent anyway. And of course I don't expect more as so far there has been no more. Of course every good thing in life doesn't have to be earned. The best things are often there when you are born or soon after, or just arrive on their own. All you earn is money and that's only one area of success, more of a need than a want. Two people I thought knew better just blew me out as well, and for what it's worth I just found the site of someone from Big Brother who I just emailed so who knows.

I also learnt we can't dig ourselves out of these situations directly, and probably not at all, as much as we can't change the weather. Invite 100 people out and they can all say no, and I know you only need one good one anyway. Look at sport, England dumped out of Europe (again), the rugby (as expected) and Lewis Hamilton's car packs up to let Mr Nobody win the world title. Now Ronny O'Sullivan is about to lose a final to a Chinaman (not that anyone else besides Jimmy White would be any better). Out of our control, we have a minor part in our lives, we have the power to say yes and no, where we go and some of the things we do, but nothing lasting or very useful outside exams. They have a structure not found elsewhere so although there isn't the finality of a failure there isn't the organisation of planning the process. Try saying 'I'm going to get a girlfriend' 'I'm going to be famous' or better still 'I'm going to be happy'. No way. They happen when they want to, not when you do. That is life and so far no one can tell me any different.

The present of blogging

I am a bit disappointed so far, I've read many new blogs through the links and found only a couple the least bit similar to my own. Besides everyone on Funtrivia, which seems to be the only place I know with similar people to me, I seem to be one of a small bunch. And despite having many similar interests I click on a blog supposedly belonging to someone spiritual to hear about chatspeak connections with men, fashion, religious nuts, babies (feh! keep baby stories to your personal friends, for god's sake!) and all the crap I stay away from by not looking at most blogs. But apparently even therapists, hippies and other people who should know better prefer to think about the same dross as 90% of the rest of the world that owns a computer (I think the rest are just struggling to survive in the third world) despite their apparent higher interests.

The therapists and others who just use their blogs to advertise are sad. People read blogs for information about you, not to buy a service. Besides the numerous product and music reviews which are just written by enthusiasts, you can get so many free sites why then use a blog just to sell yourself? And does it work? I doubt it somehow. I may become repetitive and boring as I just reflect those aspects of life and most of mine has been for some time. But it changes and I hope I present it in better ways than the ones who all sound like 13 year olds whatever age they actually get to.

Even some of the old linked blogs had people changing from general life to one subject which however interesting it may be only appeals to a few readers and really would be better either to mix it up or start a second blog for it as many have done. I can criticise as I have to read them and have really gone off many for those reasons. I used to read more than I wrote and now I barely do as the few decent bloggers seem to use themselves up very quickly and stop. I mean you either like blogging or not, how long does it take from your life? I'd rather here about people's trips to work, who they saw and what they think of Shirley Williams (old Alexei Sayle reference there) than see them give up or switch to single topics. I used to be far more to the supernatural and philosophy, but believe there is little left on philosophy and only report the supernatural when I learn any new. People say I've learned a lot and believe I have, and am even teaching a few as a result, so despite suffering in order to learn most of it (if you are left in a prison cell you may become very insightful, but what a price to pay) at least the growth was not just in my imagination.

I am hoping for changes in my own life in the future. Usually when things can go either way the most important go against me, and when anything appears to have potential it is an anticlimax. For a change I'd like even one new development to develop rather than pretend to exist only to vanish again. If you've read enough here you'll know some of the starts that were made that never made it past chapter one. Other people appear to have their fair share of success so I don't believe I'm exaggerating the chances compared to my results, but I seem to have done a lot worse than most if you add up what I have beyond the fulfillment of needs. And besides most people working a damn sight harder than I do to fulfil them, outside the third world there is nothing unusual about managing that. Wanting more is not a crime or unreasonable. But all this appears out of my hands.

Satsang

If you don't know what it means just read along and it may start to make sense. I have been watching a lot on youtube since thinking of looking for it, and it has had two effects. One has been for me to eliminate the vast majority of it for being unnecessarily complicated, including my old teacher Tony Parsons. The second is to move me to the path of my own experience and knowledge that true development is physical/spiritual, and independent of mental knowledge. It is based purely on raising the kundalini force, and as such is almost impossible to do without practises. Meditations and exercises are the way as well as shaktipat, being awakened by one able to do so.

Even then and with the best methods few respond. Take a tab of LSD and I am told some get there directly, but also likely to suffer a form of neural brain damage which really isn't worth the tradeoff. So removing drugs there is a list of practises, most now public, which almost remove the need for conventional lectures as once you understand what you're doing and why there's little need to keep listening to the master. They only seem to repeat the same cliches anyway and can't practise for you. They may be enlightened but besides the possible single shaktipat transfer can do little more besides alter your exercises and explain your symptoms. The whole thing is based on trust until it happens to you, and having found an online teacher who basically responded to my comments by offering help, she said I have experienced pranic surges, which are the first stage of awakening. They feel bloody good and are clearly very unlikely without meditation first, but do not create any powers or long term changes. In fact the only gate that has opened is to more of the same, being able to create such surges at will which I can only compare with masturbation if there is no physical benefit.

I have received shaktipat from a Qigong master, like many now from a distance but believe me it made no difference. It peaked for a few hours, from the second she started, and was residual for some days after. But again it was only a nice feeling and didn't change me noticeably.

Now the satsang element here is I don't believe much is needed. Those who want to develop will look for teachers and the rest won't care or listen. If enlightened masters or anyone else finds ways that work then they can allow anyone to teach them as they are purely mechanical, and their only role is that of inspiration to say what is possible for the students (if they're lucky). Meditation is the best example of surrender to the universe that I know. We all do the same thing and using a standard statistical graph get varying results on a bell shaped curve. Even if those at the rough end try other methods it's unlikely it'll make any difference as some people are tougher to change full stop. If some teachers arrive who can help them then they'll become the real satgurus, the gurus of the gurus who can do more than offer ancient practises to people and let nature take over the results. I probably have this role with my clients, as many are kicked out or leave a number of other therapists until they find me who has the patience to put up with their weirdness as I expect others to with mine. Being a hippy and eccentric the bog standard working people, especially the business people, rarely get on with me, maybe they can tell how boring I find them and their way of life. They are rich, busy and unhappy. Where did it get them?

The intellectuals are the opposite as they worry themselves unhappy and I undo the worries for them. The others are just spoiled children who want a posh guy in a suit to reassure them regardless what they do. The only thing stopping me from looking like an extra from Jesus Christ Superstar is my grandma, whose 'hair alarm' is as loud and persistent as any car alarm once my hair touches my collar. It's just not worth the aggro. But inside that's who I am and once I start talking about Buddha the clients either join in or walk away. But half my teaching is based on Buddha's as it works. I use other teachings as well where they fit in, Freud, Jung and especially the inner child, but when it comes to life in general many problems are calmed by Buddhism before any modern therapist.

Anyway, I believe I have more tools than most for my own spiritual development, have had nothing besides these 'pranic surges' and highs from meditation once in a blue moon, and after 10 years of practise feel a little cheated. I have no more learning left besides maybe some inspiration, and however much work I may put in I feel no different. This can change at any time but using an equation the energy I put in would be expected to be demonstrated at some level or maybe there's a hole in the vessel.

Am I complaining too much?

Glad to see many more visitors now we are all linked up again, and an encouragement to keep going.
My current state of being is returning to peace for a short time (after very little for a long time) only for something small medium or large to interfere with it, testing it's strength. Some are real, some fear based, but all genuine challenges to my wellbeing until they pass. I'm not as bad as the true obsessives I know who make every small possibility the end of their lives, but without the support of any other person every stone in the shoe of life is a lot more painful. Technically I am fairly free so far, tomorrow has a few plans and more I can do throughout the week if I bother, and may also buy a DVD camera so my youtube videos can look professional as I said before Argos couldn't cope with people looking at their site. Only Hotmail ever did that before but I still haven't checked the prices and specs yet after that glitch.

My female situation has moved on as well, I face putting up with one of the least inspiring individuals on earth for two reasons, no others left and she looks good. The menu is limited and starvation is not an option. Strangely I got the first social call on Friends Reunited ever in 6 years ( the only other was a funeral invitation) but this was from some mad Greek woman who I didn't even know! Go figure. I'll be interested to know what the reason for calling me was as not being a paid member all she could do was ask me to call her. I can't see it leading to anything somehow.
I also have a list of spiritual and psychic techniques I picked up recently and so far none have had any effect. I have a few which have small effects but could do with more as a result. You can't get to the moon on a bike. Having looked around there are probably few if any better, and the others which claim to work are so complicated and demanding they are like every other method I had to use for business advancement, and don't feel like doing the same for pleasure. There are only two possibilities, either these things work or not. Having seen a few which do it implies many more will, and if they don't for me doesn't automatically mean any or all will not. I just keep trying.

Each week I wonder if I'll ever get more than just the normal and expected. It's a start to have no problems each week, but imagine eating rice every day, you'd survive but wouldn't really enjoy eating. We are designed to need more than survival with little bad or good. Having had a reasonable family life long in the past know that is the foundation most people need, and with none of it at home means without any extras life gets pretty dead. Extras are so rare they may average once a year or less. And from them most last a short time and have no lasting effect. A few are set up in advance, like my next 2 TV appearances. One has a date but I can't see it, the other has nothing but a provisional screening time, and not on TV at all. It'll be nice when they come along but otherwise each week is a repeat of a routine designed to make the best of the toys I've been given. I did notice I should do some things differently just to break the boredom and I am, which is an improvement. It doesn't make up for a lack of good news but can break the monotony when done well.
Post strike allowing one or both of my DVDs will soon arrive so I can watch Rainbow for the first time in about 30 years and Peter Paul and Mary, whose music is nothing special, but message and setting is. Having the 60s to anchor me in my existence is not an ideal method as it doesn't actually exist any more, but the best I currently have. Most people look to the past when their friends have all died off at about 80, I am at it already. Why does life keep letting me down?

Mental problems

My mind works in some pretty dubious ways. Thinking of what I was going to write about I realised it was probably more interesting to mention various descriptions of masturbation than repeating the same old actions and reactions I seem to have been doing since I was about 25. Twanging the wire, flogging the mutton, pulling the pud, jerkin the gherkin, wristjob, hand shandy, self abuse, mrs palm and her five daughters, shaking hands with the unemployed etc etc.
Now I've got that lot out of the way I suppose I can carry on with the mental masturbation. Would anyone really accept it was possible to receive messages from other life forms? I know I can from humans but more than that remains hidden very well. But the fact one contactee told me what happened to another, who then repeated an almost identical scene on his second visit does make me wonder, and the fact I am one of the closest to these guys without actually seeing one myself makes me wish they'd get on and reveal themselves properly, to me at least.

Due to work cancellations I traded money for time last week and spent it all in Golders Green filming different parts of it. I decided even though I took every local road on VHS I may as well get a cheap digital video and make some decent films online as no one else has of London. It may even get me a proper commission. This is something I've done for 7 years so have all the tools to do a proper job. Now I need to see how long they'll let me post from an unlimited source of good quality files. I also saw some more spiritual and supernatural lessons on youtube, none yet have done a bleeding thing but if I learn enough I only really need one that works. I also (not in the mafia sense) eliminated another woman last week. As a result I asked out the next in line, no fucking reply. I am now left with choice 3 who has one asset. The best one but no others, literally. My normal standard in that sense but attractive. I will see, fate decided who yet again and I am too desperate to pick and choose between inadequate and absolutely fuck all.

Thank everyone for all the recent comments, I have been pretty busy reading other blogs, of course they vary greatly but a few have been worth the visits and have thousands more to try. It also shows despite seeming similar and ordinary what total cack some people think of when it comes to sharing their incredibly boring or weird interests. Besides the ones that are only advertising, we have the single interest type, nearly all nerd related, my IT heaven (not), MP3 players anonymous and which vibrator today? No thanks on all. Then the adult juveniles using chatspeak, drugs and talking about music you are likely to hear in the local pub only. Ben (sorry in advance) still seems to do anything rather than relax and has been to more venues in 25 years than most small towns do in their whole life. For goodness sake, and all of ours, get a damn girlfriend already! Like he ever reads this... Sleeping like a blog link will explain all. And why do people I know not only stop blogging but delete them as well? If I paint or write something it's up to others to judge, once I've released it it stays beyond the end of my life. Kepp your stuff, who knows who may find it later.
There are, thank goodness, some interesting and intelligent people around but few in my area now. And most suffer from mental illness as well. It's like once you can see the world clearly you can't handle it. Now if I lived in the sticks or on an island I'd be fine as no crowds. But put an agoraphobic in London and you may as well put a dirt phobic in India (sorry any Indians, you know I'm right though). No political correctness here as you know. But as I am stuck here I share my abilities with others however I can and my disabilities limit the ways. Everyone's the same but only mentally ill where one becomes almost impossible to do. It changes on its own and if it improves very good, but it's not up to us to fix it, as another blogger has pointed out. One decent woman who understands and I'll not really give a damn. No one else to impress than that so maybe I'll find a candidate round here. Given a choice between a normal bore and a phobic genius some women must prefer the conversation side?

Why does anyone bother?

Boredom is a killer really. Living alone lends itself perfectly. No TV, too early to go to bed and nothing left on the internet. And when the highlights of the week include taking photos of the North Circular at Brent Cross life has really reached the bottom of the barrel. No, there's nothing better to do that I've missed. Friends are thin on the ground, work is the same, and the only places I've gone to are ones where I can take photos. So many times besides my new 48 second pixilated video project the still photos are starting to repeat themselves. And although I can walk through Golders Green it's not the same as I don't really know anyone there any more. NW11 was one of the most fertile areas of social life till this decade when one by one everyone I knew left.

So like the Twilight Zone where you are in the same place but with different people, I pass through Golders Green now like the spirit of a dead person visiting their old haunts on Earth while no one can see them. It looks the same but nothing is happening and you can't interact. Even the two pubs I occasionally went to there are gone, one (a bit rough admittedly) now a clothes shop, and the other (started charging to park there) knocked down 5 years ago. That was actually so decent you could easily spend an evening there and was the only pub I knew besides the awful Spaniards with mainly Jewish customers. They had the civilised ones while the Spaniards the rude ones with money. There was also another in between type opposite in Hendon which is now flats as well.

So my social life and ability to find anywhere to go with it has been reduced to the garden centre over a mile away as unless you walk through the park no road goes there and the entrance instead of being round the corner is on said road over a mile away despite backing on to my estate opposite here. I'm bored with them anyway now. A garden centre, however good the coffee, cannot replace a huge pub with fruit machines and old friends in Golders Green. OK, said people are approaching 50 now and paying for their kids to go to university, while I try and turn the clock back to when I was actually a part of their lives as well. I can't see a solution direct or otherwise. Others suggest returning to places I used up in my teens, organisations which allow you to learn skills a few hours a week and meet women who spend every possible moment talking about their children and grandchildren. None are single at these places as they are never designed for them. Colleges are no better except you meet young marrieds and drug addicts who are equally hopeless if you want to meet new friends or get off with someone. I met all my friends at school, on holiday and through my parents. I did meet a few at discos after some years of seeing the same people but that was 30 years ago.

No solution, freedom is wonderful when you can use it, when you use it to tell people on the internet how useless it has become you are ready to give up all hope. For a while I looked for advice but it's pure chance how life turns in these situations. It only takes one person to change it all, as when one left my life turned into nothing, I then met a woman who kept me busy a couple more months and that was that. From then on it was doing my own thing, making films of the places I now take still photos of, staying in during winter painting so I can put them on the wall, writing articles, watching TV and that's the lot. If this guy in America really can show people how to bend metal then the world will no longer be as I think it is, and may become an interesting place again. Until then I blog.

Keeping busy

Well, though a bit of a mess I do seem to have been living a bit more this week. The video idea has taken off as when I take them I also find many new views of old places to take photos of. So Golders Green and Temple Fortune have been totally blitzed, plus a very nice walk in the park along the North Circular I don't remember using for ages.

I just found a name on Friends Reunited who is in my top 5 women of all time. Nothing happened as I met her here but she returned home 100 miles away that night and that was it. I phoned her a while after and she had a boyfriend and that was it. Now we're 47 or so, almost 30 years later, I have never forgotten her as one of the few who got away and she probably forgot about me the next day. I think it's the right person although she seems to be in a different place but the age is right and not a common name, I then need her to actually want to reply if it is indeed her although many can't remember who I am when they do.

The new boiler is promised for the weekend, it wasn't as cold as yesterday thank god so just coping. Nothing much else either way but the accounts appear to be over at least although I have sod all other work at the moment although the advertising I just bought may change all that soon. The cat's asleep on the keyboard now so rather than type round her I may as well stop while I'm ahead. Maybe I should write a few entries made up of questions so I can get some comments. Didn't work last time though...

Dross, bogies and a few farts

I've been fairly busy farting around so far. The video idea has gone well, 48 seconds of blurry underwater scenes with barely audible sound to share on youtube has got me poking around old haunts again and taking photos from motorway bridges. I've got to do something with all this dead time on my own. No work this week (not a bad thing) but the boiler is now officially dead (prayers were said earlier) and my next prayers were for the new one to be in by the weekend. It was old (when I bought it as well) though.

I'm still working on bending forks having had an official online tutorial, no luck yet but now I somehow believe I can. Tomorrow is free plus a possible visitor in the evening. I have a list of little errands to do, none urgent but all useful and keep me busy. At least I've managed to take someone with me a couple of times recently as for a few years now I've done most of these trips alone. I think everyone knows a few people who always fart in the car and at least the current people don't do that. Opening windows seems to have no effect and our local petrol station used to sell the most amazing little car air spray in the 70s my father kept in his Mini and pointed back to me regularly as I was the person back then. Once I learnt to eat slowly it stopped happening. Simple remedy really.

My other little job working at Funtrivia has gone into meltdown, for some reason everyone is fighting regardless what we do or say and has kept me far too busy recently. If I could give classes how to get on I would as I do this privately and know how to myself. It's the easiest thing on earth, based on being passive or assertive depending if you're on the attack or defence. Arguing is basically superfluous to life and can be stopped forever in minutes if anyone really wanted to. I think it's often a way of relieving pressure in life and also keeps people busy. It also pisses off nearly everyone else and starts many others off who are normally quiet. Bad news.

I stopped sleeping with a parcel (not even for me) and then a plumber this morning, had I been busy tomorrow I'd be going to bed now but what's the point. I hope all this blog trawling may attract a few more visitors as it's more active than ever before, but not yet on mine again. At least the new arrivals haven't read all this before but then again I did used to write about philosophy, but really run out. I am told there is a paradise beneath our emotions, taught how to slowly get there and have found none besides that from meditation which is a peak not a trough so won't last. A bit technical but you can't get north if you travel south and that is why I can't find that place from meditation. The other place is pretty good but lasts for minutes when you are lucky enough to find it.

Typical entry

Strangely now links have been returned my hits have now halved! So people maybe finding this never return? Who can tell (espcially as hardly anyone comments). But my own readings of this see it reflect my life as an endless weekly repetition which bores me in reality and again when recalling it, so I can't blame anyone else for giving up.

I can't provide much more philosophy as there's none left. I do read and learn new bits and pieces, some potential and some even less certain, so why mention them unless they work? I have read why emotions are unhelpful, in theory again, but says they are all hiding the true peace beneath, good or bad. How we were made to be better after working to change ourselves is odd, but true as meditation opens new places up as well I doubt many people will ever see if they don't. So if there is a total peace underneath then finding that should be enlightenment. There can only be one constant higher state and that is not a peak state either but our true nature hidden by the energy in its way. Apparently. I have the methods from the book so will keep using them. They follow Nick Roach's view, but are less general and more direct so seem like a focused way of applying them. I will keep doing it and see.

Otherwise last week was much like the last 30. Photos, plus now a few local little video trips, broken boiler and a little work. I am fascinated after an online lesson how to bend metal and will be working on it for some time now in case it does what it appears to. If I can get one reliable and useful power then I reckon I'll have a door open to a superior way of life. Look what it did for Uri Geller's. That would get me some TV coverage for sure. And it should get paid as well. Actual qualifications and talents are lucky to get you much now unless they are part of the few chartered ones I never managed, mainly through lack of a maths O level. My profession works as well as others, better in many cases, but is unlikely to get chartered for whatever reasons they invent.
The little list of hope is my 3rd TV appearance is advertised within 3 months. No date, but they would look pretty stupid giving that timescale if not decided yet. My 4th is not in doubt and is pencilled in for January although not in the UK. When I read lists of TV and film appearances and chart hits I always wanted my own, and not a short one that peaked and dropped suddenly. I intend this one to continue for many years and reach the proper channels and audience eventually. I've no idea how many satellite programmes end up on real TV but the more you do then there's always a chance one might make it without even needing a new show to make.

So I'm back with a fork in my hand like in 1973, but with instructions this time. Bend! Bend! If I never go anywhere again I've still seen Uri twice and the day comes when you are fed up seeing others perform and want to be the performer instead. Behind the scenes I'm working on this and like a pupa appear asleep but inside something is being created to be released at an unknown date. If it paid for a move back to civilisation it would be a bonus, even on my own. And with enough money I can forget about having to earn more and let it all hang out. I may even try growing a beard again as far as image goes. Partly as the hair is beyond growing any more. And I just need one attractive woman who understands and accepts me as I am and it'll be made.

Figures everywhere

I've actually been pretty busy this week. Routine stuff but little time to stop and think crap thoughts. More accounts (will it ever end, and will I ever get paid?), saw a friend after and took photos from a motorway/railway bridge yesterday. Working tomorrow, fine but they wanted a (feh!) early appointment. Early for me anyway. The boiler was down for a few days, fixed on Monday and lasted a day, and magically came on again this evening. Fingers crossed. The cat was defleaed as well so should be a lot happier now. There's little else besides hoping to see my 3rd online TV programme this year. Each is a step to fame and I think maybe 10 minutes of scene will do more for recognition albeit in a different continent.

Otherwise there's nothing really to do one way or another, business or pleasure. I did realise like when there was nothing on TV before I had the internet I would meditate, and when all else stops I can always do that. You can't meditate too much. And if it works your actual circumstances matter less and less. I've still been too busy with work to read many more blogs so not surprised few more people have arrived since we've been linked again. Or I've become boring. Life has become boring a lot of the time and this reflects my life. What else I can mention besides that I'm not sure, except to say a few people are now beginning to recognise my abilities. They were finished by so much time on my own that it forced me to work out a lot about life and that is what taught me most of what I now know. It is of no practical use to me yet but does help others and answer most questions I'm given.

Unlike usual I am running out of material. I've used my time well today and deserve more really. More money for the work and any sex from the women. Not too much to ask really.

Another few days

Pugh, Pugh, Barney McGrew, Cuthbert, Dibble Grubb. Inigo Pipkin, it's Inigo Pipkin, Inigo the puppet maker. On and on I go, covering the first 15 years of my life as that was the best. Then it got more and more difficult. Exams, work, I stopped growing. All that. Then my mother left home. Then I left home. Nothing's changed since then, hence my preferred return to the early 70s and before.

A few things have actually progressed this week, as well as getting my TV clip online there's a trailer for the next one (did I mention it already??) meaning it should happen. I had a good abductee session on Thursday (my unpaid job) and apparently connected to an alien myself. From little spots on obscure TV stations to being recognised in public may follow. Before they were famous clips always involve people already on TV, basically once you've been used you can equally become famous with anyone else. The accounts got every waking moment between clients and taking photos and I still can't produce a thing they actually want. I can't do any more than my best and if they don't tell me what I must do then I can't do it and just waste days of my time.

Bloody wore me out as well. At least I took one lot of photos with someone else again yesterday, makes all the difference. No sex or anything like it but it's an improvement. Unlike my blog hits. Even though there are more active bloggers than ever and the links are back only a couple of new people have found their way here. The counter is still as low as before and I haven't had time to read any since the accounts demand arrived on Tuesday. If the company goes bust and I don't get paid they'll be the last accounts I ever do. Thank god I'm not expected to be a fake surgeon instead of a fake accountant, at least no one can get physically injured, only financially, as I am employed to 'save money' but my lack of ability means it costs more in the end and I'm not surprised.

I suspect (as it hasn't been my experience for more than periods of a day or so) if I was part of a household again we'd share such burdens and life would be 3 dimensional again. And having someone else around takes my mind off the empty thoughts when on my own for days in a row. Terry Waite had his freedom taken away in ways we can all understand but having to live alone is the nearest thing without actually being in prison, and can make the sanest people lose it after long enough.
Well, let's see what the other bloggers have to say, there really are a lot of mentals out there now, I won't leave messages as they seem quite wrapped up in their own worlds and probably wouldn't even understand a normal comment compared to the weirdness they write. From spiritual philosophy to a diary of very little and complaints which repeat as regularly as my grandma's I can see the appeal of reading these entries going, but I see little or no spirituality in life having looked, and have reached reporting my days as they arrive with a few toilet words added for the salt and pepper. Izal, Bronco, Portaloo, Understains, Enemas, Fellatio, There's a pubic hair in my soup and Don't spit in the subway. I rest my case and my sanity.

Updating very little

Before I start looking up other blogs as I have the time and the means, I may as well report my own little activities. Firstly the activity hasn't changed here since the links were returned, whether people don't get me any more or the huge volume of new active blogs (at last) means there are too many to go round. I wonder if like radio callers some people prefer to read blogs than write them but as I am more of a writer I wouldn't know.

I've done very little more than usual, my father reminded me of some places round Sudbury and Harrow on the Hill which I did yesterday, and mainly got the stations. More crappy accounts today, the accountant left a request from May till now although urgent, and assumed we received it then as well, which we hadn't. He wants me to learn a new trick and get it done by Friday. He'll be lucky. Talk about scraping the bottom of the barrel, if I wasn't so desperate for work I wouldn't take stuff which means I can be called any time of the day or night, often to do things I'm not qualified to do, and be paid the same as I was in 1998.
And get no thanks for it, only complaints after saying some of the work was beyond me.

Otherwise besides spending the rest of yesterday getting the video clip sorted for youtube it's been business as usual. Each week I have plans and hope for a little better, but just get what I expect. Maybe forever. Technically I have broken into the media now as planned for 46 years, although only just, so as will be shown over and over again may attract the attention of someone important eventually. Meanwhile I still have a little list of jobs fair and foul to keep me occupied for a week or two. If that's the best I'll ever get then so be it, and maybe it will force me to just stay in and meditate which is not dependent on outside events. Maybe if I start talking about bodily functions again, or worse, I'll get some readers back, but I may have used up that rich seam of faecal material. I've been doing it all my life and have to run out of combinations of ways of saying poo, fart and fanny eventually. But I know there are some people around like me who titter at the slightest mention of droppings in any form, so maybe that will return as my trademark. Not that I can help it anyway.

I'm on the telly!

You can now see me in my Mystery Hunters programme on Discovery Kids on Youtube



There was a little more at the start of the programme but it was easier to show the main clip without any more fiddling around.

Spiritual progress

The current theme is theory and practice. Someone finally noticed what I knew already, I can answer most people's questions about life. If they ask me anything technical that's another matter, but situations that affect us all I do know. But they also mean that I realise our limits. Understanding also means recognising what we can't do, and so far it appears most of life is damage limitation once it starts to unwind. But when other people only have one or two specific problems in an otherwise OK life I can probably fix it. Just what I do. The next step, the one beyond this is the spiritual. Feeling good despite the outside shite. Plenty of that, no shortage, and we need to become immune. I know the general view which was really born with the Buddha's enlightenment. But in fact since then a handful of individuals ever reach such a point, the rest devote their lives to that aim with some or no progress. Their answer uses reincarnation but that is a naive way to fix an equation when the true answer is it's almost impossible to achieve whatever you do.

There are two spiritual paths, the peak and the trough. They do not rule each other out, as the peaks often precede the trough, the same as a normal orgasm and a tantric orgasm. Now these are real as I can attest, and put the others to shame. Much harder to repeat though. The normal meditation can produce temporary highs but true enlightenment is a constant peace. Apparently. Now whether the teachers used the methods they recommend to reach their own is debatable except for Nick Roach, but all recommend one thing, focus on the now. Whichever aspect they choose it all involves altering your awareness to the present and the rest gradually wears away. But that can take a lifetime even if you follow it religiously. It took Nick 17 years and he's probably one of the few who made it at all. But Tony Parsons did suddenly with no practice at all, but recommends one very similar which he slipped into spontaneously. For peak experiences Maharaji did what he teaches, but we get random results despite identical practice, and even the peaks last for minutes so far, so I understand the limitations of that type of process. But I've got a million times more from that than the other sort which barely does anything. We can all switch our awareness from normal to witnessing where we are and what we're feeling, but little usually comes of it.

Buddha does describe stages of enlightenment, and this would mean if you practice presence you ought to work your way through these stages, some going all the way to the end. I appear to be going backwards in mine, but at least know there are no better ways to improve. Slow appears to be the word, whatever you are going to do, even if something happens quickly as it may it isn't easy to repeat. But what's the alternative? There isn't one. The effort I've put in alone should have shown some results, but I'm very dubious if there are any. But I'll carry on practicing as the alternative is not even trying.

Do we have the power?

I am still working on understanding how life turns out like a TV script. So much seems arranged, good or bad but similar phases. If the theory is true I am dreaming it all then I'm not writing this for anyone else as there's only me here. As god. I create everything, but not as the bible but hell, chaos. All is random and uncontrolled, until I learn to control it (possibly with the law of attraction, if it works) and become an adept. And whatever the mind conceives the control and awareness of the true situation is better than before, as that is in the messages.

Why it would be arranged to start with so much, lose it all gradually and end up with a house, qualifications and sod all is a mystery. I have family but have to make the effort to see them/vice versa, none live with me, and anyone who's read this will know my last regularly seen friend went away in 2002. One good thing about the internet is I've discovered there's no shortage of decent friend material, but obviously few I meet online live close enough to see, at least no more than once so far. But I can explain success in every aspect of life as I did before, it's like meditation. We all do the same thing but the results vary dramatically. We can only start success, others finish it, hence my predicament. I know exactly where I could be but can't buy a ticket there. Like the past. As my friend Gabriel says, if we want something whose fault is it? Who gave us that desire? No one. It is there already, it's how we are designed. We have no say in it so no blame, only over what we choose to do with said desire, ie pay or steal. But the desire has a life of its own and is no more under our control as any other feeling. Every method I learnt to change our feelings is hit and miss and at best works at random. Often if I meditate for an hour I feel one or two ticks better than before but it probably doesn't last that long.

But it removes the blame and responsibility as well, as we start everything but can't finish it. Even if I paint the best painting in the world I may never sell it. That happens all the time. There's more decent art and music around that will never be seen or heard by many or paid for that's as good or better than what is, and we can only do our best. And whatever we are not doing that we feel guilty about most are doing something else of equal value, and we can't do both. Don't ever feel if it doesn't hurt it can't win, that's oppression, like the twits in the gym who push too far. I stop when it's an effort and as a result have nearly 5 years with no injuries. Well, there are the facts, I haven't had time to read many blogs this week but will do, and with most comments I gain a reader. We'll get the network going again now it's been repaired, I just wonder why it was off for so long. And is Carla still reading I wonder?

Well the net froze but I managed to copy and save it and this is my second try. And had it decided not to keep it then I couldn't. A good example.

Energy shifts?

Besides reporting a week of average proportions, I am moved to describe a possible energy shift, from almost impossible to opening up. No actual clues besides a feeling, for ages now whatever I want to do seems almost like the dreams where you can hardly walk, and whatever I have got seemed to be with the maximum effort and delay. I don't believe this is chance, you seem to get into energy currents and unless there's a trick I don't know, leave them at random. I can't really say what made me start feeling this is about to happen. Nothing's really happened to point me to this view except one little female success, I have just gone about the normal sort of stuff with the normal sort of results.
Examples of past situations was the long drawn out plan of my friend to live abroad, the years of visa applications where each step was finally approved, the date announced and despite disasters on arrival the 7 year plan being fulfilled regardless. Hurricanes, financial problems and who knows what else were not enough to make them flee, worst of all he said he wanted to come back and then changed his mind. That represents probably the last few years of my life. Then my Sky TV filming. First it turned out it wasn't for TV (search me) and then when they were choosing how they were going to show it the constant delays over choosing the date which is no closer to a decision than a year ago. Remember I don't get paid for these, my payment is being seen. The crew got paid whatever happens but we didn't besides the presenter. That's fine but basically another example of the same energy in action/inaction.

Of course (until the recent example) all the women went the same way, the last exception having taken 12 years to reach that point which wasn't very far on the scale believe me. Work was the same (although I get enough to pay my bills which is all I need), and really every project beyond the most trivial have gone that way. The odd exception was getting filmed meeting the Big Brother finalists a few years ago today (I couldn't be bothered to drive there from Finchley where I was tonight), a rare high point in a sea of mediocrity. We all need patience but being unmarried still at my age, as well as many other missed landmarks, it seems time is running out. Meditation is another example. You learn how, all do the same thing and all get different results. We do our half in life and life does the other. How it works. Unless I discover I can manipulate the possibly bogus 'law of attraction' those are the rules I experienced all my life. I'm not saying the other is wrong as it may also explain how phases are so consistent, but so far have not had any control over any results, just been a witness.
Why I have started feeling a shift now I can't explain but hope it comes soon, and not just for one time.

Wednesday, just

Wednesday, 12.19am. My activities have been more mental than physical recently, planning the next ones but only getting the one trip to Belsize Park for some photos, and then after thinking I'd run out working out a few new places to go next.

Now the blogs are alive again I can read and link and comment like I used to. How long it'll take to get the numbers up remains to be seen but in the meantime I'm learning new tricks to add to my current method of releasing emotions as a barrier to peace and enlightenment. Whether or not we're designed like that, they say our emotions cover the peace below and only by dissolving or releasing them can we escape their effect on our lives. The good ones are still not as good as the alternative, we are told, and I believe it. They last such a short time anyway there really isn't much point in having them again once we know what they're like, and they are all energy, whether good or bad. And that energy is blocking something better apparently.
The old method which I have used a little for a few years seems to rarely have an effect, the new method which I have added may help faster and is actually aiming at the identical thing so they don't conflict.

Meanwhile I'm on a mission to prove whether or not oven chips are potato or man made stuff as my grandma doesn't believe they cobble them up from scrapings. I just discovered Pringles are so shaped as they are sawn off a block of potato cement, although they still taste pretty good unlike the inedible dreck produced by the company that isn't MacDonald's but just as awful. Since my own chip fryer died I don't make them and rarely buy them, but my waist is a few inches smaller so have made a profit. But I remember when oven chips first came out they said they had to make them from powder and chemicals otherwise they wouldn't cook properly in the oven. Well guess what, they don't. If you want a chip that has a texture like it's come out of someone's arse, then be a lazy sod and cook them in the oven, or almost as bad, in the microwave. But if you actually want a proper one you have to fry potatoes. That's the only way and always was. It's nigh on impossible to find this stuff online so I had to put out an appeal on my usual site.

Otherwise I am carrying on day by day, my albums will arrive this week and when I can be bothered will show them to the library in case they want more. Then 200 prints looking for an album, so off to Woolworth's whose are a third of the price of the rest. Various bits of plans for the week similar to the last few, but they turned out OK more or less. Of course the planned TV release online for August has been and almost gone, and I doubt the next few months will show any more. Next trip is to be Crouch End and hopefully on Thursday. What an exciting life I lead! But the results, in the form of albums as well as many station pictures used in a London guide site (unpaid but happy to be used) do mean they have a future use once taken. Despite every person on earth with a couple of fingers can equally take a good photo from day one not everyone does. I've no idea why but my only talent is knowing what to take rather than taking it. I see potential places waiting to be taken and just collect them. Some of my best recently were even people who got into the shot and when I blew them up afterwards found they looked really interesting. Now I take people I see deliberately but none have been quite as weird as the accidental ones, besides a dog. One woman today turned round before I could get her and I didn't have time to zoom in either. The others looked very ordinary and random photos of people are just that, random, good and bad photographically. So now I snap them almost at random and collect the good ones, as the places can all become used up but you'll never see the same people there together. Now whether any of these pursuits will make me famous or enlightened I have yet to see but they are better than not.

Entertainment

Back again, I've been too busy till now to read many blogs or comment on them but glad to see hundreds active and many are new. Today was warm for the first time in weeks, although I spent it indoors playing a live quiz and ordering my 2nd photo album to get a two for one offer before next month. I managed to get enough new photos this week to pad it out as getting 100 plus photos worth immortalising in a book is not that easy. I made the second of mainly people, most who had accidentally crept into view when I took somewhere else and turned up when I uploaded them. I've started doing a few choice ones deliberately but the main ones didn't show up till I got them on the computer and I blew them up.

I've been consistently busy this week although nothing in particular was done it was all done well. It's a relief having a mobile phone working again, I really rely on it and am waiting to pick up someone's spare one when he bothers to bring it so I have a reserve. The unexpected highlight of the week was being told I look like Manfred Mann. Now if you compare any Jewish guy with dark hair and glasses we all look like relatives, David Baddiel, Ian Broudie and the not quite Jewish Ben Elton, so hardly a surprise I suppose, I'll need to ask a few other people to decide as well. There is clearly a basic similarity we all share but I'll be interested to see if there's more than that- another reason to grow that beard again, although mine would now be fairly hard to define as not much colour is left in it. At least it would give my grandma something to moan about every time I saw here, 'Oh no, you're growing a beard, what do you want a beard for?', 'Why do you keep that beard, you look homeless' etc etc. All I need. But I will see. 4 weeks is all it takes for the full rabbi or just a goatee. And 5 minutes to get rid. I am approaching 50 so looking old is hardly something worth trying to avoid any more, and Manfred seems to have had his since it started growing and no one complained then, although till the mid 70s beards were a lot more popular. No more moustaches for me though, I had them for years and the photos are embarrassing, I just looked like Manuel from Fawlty Towers.

A few other people have finally tuned into my 60s pop videos, I posted them all over Funtrivia but only weeks later have a couple of people responded, both Manfred fans, and although my own musical abilities are going to need at least a year of work to play well enough to get 3 minutes without a mistake at least I feel more the part now. I played in practice bands for years, most were shit and one was OK but boring, and we never played in public, they just seemed to want me to practice the songs with as I could play them all by ear. I think I only ever played in a real group playing folk songs for someone's leaving party at work a couple of times (the room was too small for one party). That was me on keyboard/drum machine, a rhythm guitarist and three singers. Great fun actually, I must listen to the tape again now if I can find it, that was 22 years ago!
I did however play a number of solos, besides the only other time when I was 20 and my musician grandpa asked a bar band in our hotel in Washington if I could play with them, and I spent about 15 minutes playing blues piano with about three others on drums and guitars. That was pretty amazing although there weren't many people there to listen. My usual performances were boring routines as background for parties, although once I played in a comedy evening interval (OK, I've told this one before) when the main act didn't turn up and they let me fill in, where I sang Ivor Bigun songs (I'm a wanker, I've farted and My Brother's got Piles...). It went down pretty well except my friend's mother didn't speak to me for 6 months. Her problem. Jenny Eclair topped the bill talking about periods so I reckoned I was only continuing the theme.

Since then I've rarely played at jewish functions, the last being about 6 years ago. I was fed up playing the same bloody routine to many people who didn't care or listen, and am now branching off into other related areas, but youtube at least gave me the chance to try out some new ideas which I did totally unrehearsed and often improvised, just for the fun of it. Just look up user satguru and you will see them. Had I got a digital video (not a still camera with a few seconds of extra movies) I would polish them a lot better, but they are purely experimental. But I think I've proved it's not how old you were in the 60s that counts but whether it left an impression on you. I was formed then and am now being reformed in that image regardless of the decade around me. Like a time slip, an oasis of 1967 in permanent existence, growing more and more into the authentic person I would have been had I been this age then, until it becomes my total being and affects those around me. Already just the memories that have come flooding back from my own efforts finding material to remind them has set the ball rolling, and if I end up looking the full part then it'll finish the job.

I was relieved Jonty lasted the eviction in Big Brother last night (by 0.1%). Sadly looking around people think he's mental so is unlikely to win, but he's not mental, just too interesting and intelligent for the plebs to understand him. He is easily the most entertaining member since Eugene and Jon Tickle and deserves to win for that reason alone. You can't put on a character like his, it's pure realism. If you're in the UK give him a chance, stop the evil twins from shitforbrains land winning. That'll be the lowest point in BB ever. Class not banality or curiosity (Nadia) should win for a change. I got on TV myself as I told Jason in 2004 I voted for him 5 times and he shook my hand, which was shown on C4 in winner's week. I spent £1 and got my reward 100 times over. I didn't even remember them filming that bit but they were follwing him the whole time he was with us.

Blogging revival

Well blogging is alive and well, fuck knows how any others actually found the thousands of active new blogs (and one from 2001) I am coming across now we can search again. So I will be writing like a dervish again as I know people may read it. It was raining most of today although I got half an hour on my bike for some exercise and photos, and then ordered 220 photos as there's a free offer, and will order a second photo book next for a two for one offer.

Not that amazingly I can't remember what I did yesterday, although I know I was busy. If I work it out now I'll get it, but straight off the day is a blank until I went to grandma. It's because there really isn't any reason to remember yesterday or any other unless something happened worth remembering, otherwise you should move on and stick in the present. Oh, of course. I stayed in until a friend from Manchester arrived for a quick trip here before she had to get the train home. I knew I did something. First time for a couple of years as well but it's not a big deal.
The rest of the week is free, I have kept a list going to make sure I'm not stranded with nothing to do, depending on the rain. The optician is away this week but have just thought of a new photo trip to Belsize Park which is one I can exploit for a few decent shots. Other than that routine shopping and indoors order the next photo album. No work this week but no great loss. A friend just said how much better it would be if I worked instead of went out and took pictures and I thought no way thank you, it's a privilege to be able to go out and take photos and as long as I pay my bills who cares about the detail. Once I run out of photos I'd like something new to keep me busy but it needn't be work.

I just read a psychotherapist who was admitting to personality faults. I think in fact they weren't faults, just things other people don't like. Selfish and cynical? Well we have to look after ourselves first, so guilty, and cynical? Well spend 47 years in London and the UK and who wouldn't be? So I can't see either of these as faults. I've been accused of being arrogant and childish. I'll analyse these, firstly the alternative to arrogance is false modesty, which is far worse if you are actually able to do things better than most. And being childish is the way Jesus said would get you to heaven, so I'll keep that one as well and laugh at farts, bottoms, toilets, holes, incontinence, sanitary protection, Basil Brush, fanny batter, foreigners, mucus and enemas. If that's childish I'll literally have the last laugh as at least there's plenty left to laugh at when most people claim not to. Anyway, it's quiz time, the only reason I stayed up, so I'd better get on or it'll be another late one. I'm watching the stats closely now to see if the hits start rising again. Fame is approaching at last? My arse...

Blogging is back

Well I think now blogger have set our profile links this medium will soon be revived, maybe even busier than 'old blogger' which was 100 times better than the new one, like most modern transformations. Where simplify means ripoff and streamline means abolish. Labour bollockspeak.

Anyway, it's been a mixture of weddings and funerals, metaphorically speaking, in Kingsbury at the moment. Women of various types are coming and going, with none providing all my needs and few providing more than a bare minimum. More than usual anyway. I'm also running out of places to take photos, inevitable really, although I have to order some prints soon while there's a free offer and 2 books for the price of one. Otherwise business as usual, no work at all at the moment which doesn't really matter, and little else. Back to planning no more than the next day if possible, but today not at all in advance as there was nothing to do besides a couple of things either stopped by the rain or a person's holiday absence. None more than routine trips, although at least my mobile phone was quickly and easily replaced yesterday so my 100s of customers (both of them, one who seems to have finished) can call me.

But hopefully I can now write expecting people to read it, and remind the new arrivals I've been blogging for the last year with no links so may be worth doing a bit of searching back for anything you would have missed. There's plenty there if there's nothing on TV. Like right now. Or the radio or really the internet. Hard with no one here to talk to. The seeds of insanity, stress and depression there. Anyway, I hope I find many more blogs to read now I can and it'll soon be like the old times or better. No comments for months till then.

Randomly speaking

As I had a bit of time to spare I just wondered what would happen. Watching the hurricane approach Jamaica on TV, it wouldn't really bother me much now but as my friends in Florida had none last year I wonder if any will hit them now, but it's a big state and needn't pass their part. Maybe if it does they may wonder if they should have come back or not. I have no idea what is going on there now as I'm not told. Big deal, it's thousands of miles away and doesn't change whether they stay or not so fuck it.

Otherwise a little progress in a few areas although after 2 weeks the charger on the new made in China not Finland mobile phone packed up, and I just hope the shop can replace it on its own. I don't want to reset another one already. It seems my 3rd (web) TV appearance could drag on indefinitely. August will move to October ad infinitum. A magazine I wrote an article for a couple of years ago they put online now say it won't be published for 2 more years. That's a fuck up of real proportions, as they aren't funded by Murdoch as my programme is. I can't ever see it happening, a real one man show and I've seen his work over a couple of years which I can only compare with an honest version of Nick Leeson.
I have also seen just now they are linking our profiles here again. I will check, I assume it isn't a lie and wonder why they stopped them for so long. If true I should bump up my hits again, at last. I think it's 3 months since I had a comment although I still get 10 hits a day (from 50).

Otherwise a productive week, possible woman on the scene although far from perfect but adequate where required to be. That makes a change believe me. Photos as usual all over the place, although hard to think where next. If the weather stays crap it'll be indoor work, writing or drawing. Can't produce too many creations and all articles have been published so far. One day if I was paid I could have a real job, or at least the makings of one. That pays well. Well it's late and bedtime so better stop before I say anything even more banal, not banana as it appeared to start to say. I have already gone bananas but only from stresss not insanity. Plenty of that in my life over the years. And sadly I'm not one to exaggerate. More than anyone's fair share.

Kundalini, God and siddhis

Sometimes it's better to wait than repeat the same daily dross which is life here. My friend in America said he wanted to come back, 2 weeks later he doesn't. Nothing new there. Meanwhile I'm being bombarded with arguments for and against God. No one can show god to others, if it's there we can only find it individually. No sense in the concept at all, if there's a gap in the wall I hope to find it, but although if you look you find a lot none are close to what god is supposed to be.

I have begun to poke around what they call kundalini (look it up guys!) and siddhis (ditto) and believe me many are real. I used methods known and secret which actually worked equally well for what they were meant to do, but either peak too soon or tail off very quickly. But what I've seen shows without a push we have latent powers within us all that in my case took minutes to release the first times I was given some help. People know how to do this and the easiest by far is clairvoyance. The stuff I pull in at random and when I tune in is as accurate as any film or photo when it works, and we are only simple 2 way transceivers of data. Tantra introduced me to the full power of sex, not even with anyone. Or anywhere 'downstairs' at all. That's just the 'usual' place to find it but it's everywhere once you open it up. No effort at all. And I've seen auras, coloured, grey and clear, but need to learn again on my own without the teacher's help.

But god? I don't think we can stray far from classical definitions. A power which is everywhere, created everything and knows everything. But what the fucking hell does he do once he's laid this enormous egg and left it to its own devices? Absolutely bugger all. If you buy a cat at least you feed it and clean after it, to him we'd be dumb animals and every mess we make we are left to tread in. No way Jose. It just doesn't fit together. Remember if god does exist it is within. Drugs release the closest experiences to god (apparently), of not then meditation as I do it. But it's not much and it doesn't really mean anything, just feels good. And god didn't make us all just to become hippies and drop out. Which is what I did in about 1997. Dropping out that is. I dropped in again in 2000 but the system spat me back onto the irresponsible pile where I remained, looking after my own needs rather than those of a greedy employer.

I'm virtually unemployable now, as my record confirms. I don't mind, I'm no longer used to work and use the time looking for god instead. And if I find clues, besides in me where were they? The 1960s. Youtube videos I often hadn't seen for 40 years, especially in black and white. I believe in 1967 something came into the world for a few years that took over many people between 5 and 35 and made them the closest to enlightened anyone has ever been before and since. All the slander of the hippies at the time and since has not been based on any more than contempt, as the real meaning was there for anyone to see and behind all the different faces of it at the time. So having confirmed the best route unfortunately as soon as the music stops I'm bac in 2007 and very little is left of it. So far. But it's a flame alive within me and now I know it was always there maybe it'll take me over and then spread to outside. It may not be god but at least it's real and accessible. Look at the faces of the singers in 1967. They were different. At peace. A deep happiness that came through everything they did regardless of any surface tension. Checkout Peter Paul and Mary or The mamas and the papas. They all had their ups and downs (especially when some died since) but they had it, whatever it was. Forget church, the Toronto experience, and LSD. Maharaji began his shtick at 14 in 1971, at the arse end of the hippy movement. I was lucky enough to find it (again, in 1971 I saw the posters but hadn't a clue what it was) in 1996, and is now my very weak route to inner success. No idea why at the moment it rarely has any power but it's the best I can do. And now and again it gets the voltage up, especially in a group.

So at the moment I see life as so. Everything we see is exactly all there is. No higher forces or intelligence, and any there are are what we can do when we try. We have hidden depths but life itself is random and cruel with no order or meaning. Coincidences show we must be connected at a level like telepathy, but aren't helpful, just evidential. All the ones I see just tell me they happen and not for any actual point. But people say they know god exists, you ask why and the answers you get are like the message you get in a dream. They are so weak they evaporate as soon as you wake up. Totally hopeless. I've never got a word of sense about why people are certain god exists besides they feel it. I feel a lot and the best way I've found to god isn't the way they find it. Unless they do. But that doesn't really last and you need something permanent which I have yet to get more than 1% towards if that isn't an illusion. Please add any new information as this is as far as I get.

Running out

How long can you have no job, friends as such or girlfriend and not run out of material? I've taken photos of every area besides Swiss Cottage and besides people in the street that travel opportunity is now running out as well. The new mobile phone's nice at least and have ordered the usual extras for it as it's pretty hard to find them in shops. Otherwise I am struggling for ideas.
The blogger scene has dried up more than a dead woman's fanny, I still can't understand how removing links from members is an 'improvement'? I used to both get regular comments and read new entries and now if any on my links get one a month besides the two busy ones it's a miracle. My hits went down 80% at the same time and they make themselves virtually impossible to contact although before they were taken over they did help me with a bug by email, although I think it fixed itself before they said they knew nothing about it.

So there is a little too much space, people phone I don't want to see and am feeling guilty for not calling back but don't want to see them anyway, the ones I want to see do exactly the same to me so basically I end up talking to the fucking computer again as always. The highlight of the week was sitting at traffic lights taking photos of the centreof Golders green.Oddly the police were (still?) in the station itself, the reason I hadn't gone inside last time, and can only wonder with all the burglaries around how they manage to spend their time chasing coloured (can I use that word?) people who may not have paid for a ticket. Sod the poor people with cars with no windows or radios, or people whose houses have boarded up windows for £300 while they are off harrassing people so poor they can't afford to use a car. The fares are so high now they haven't worked out it's actually cheaper to drive than use public transport, but it's basically the plebs who use the train besides the commuters in the rush hour and that's why the police love to bother them all.

I sometimes wonder if I said the sort of things that would get me banned from ever going on TV again and prosecuted it might get a squeak out of my non regular readers? I comment on every blog that's worth a reply, and once people did on mine. But the only controversial ideas I have are not for the general public and the rest is only common sense and pointing out things we all think but few say in public. That's not controversial, just daring. I may even exagerrate in the hope it may get someone to disagree, which only happened once when I said women pretend they don't want sex as much as men (not an exaggeration and one of my old friends from school threw a wobbly. Feminists have as much insight as someone who's drunk 2 bottles of whisky plus a few barbiturates. Their emotions fog their intellects so totally it's like trying to take a photo into the sun. The light of the emotions obscures everything else which others can see. I'll say it again here. If women admitted they wanted sex as much as men the crime rates would halve (OK, reduce) instantly. And the mental health problems. Women see sex as an embarrassing irritation compared to men, and when they repress and divert that desire they become like my old friend. Sad indeed.

Time and wind pass

Another day, another bottom dollar. I always prefer to think of these as dollars that come from your bottom than anything else, and for all I know they really are. I've had a usual week of many, highlight so far being stopped at lights in Golders Green long enough to take a complete view of the centre including people passing by. I also had to get a new mobile after dropping the other one one last time, although it did last nearly 4 years as besides not having a radio it did all I needed one to. This is half the weight and does the job, and costed next to nothing so little lost. So life goes on, no plans and the only client cancelled, stopping two others who wanted to come the same evening. They'll be back.

There's little point having many ideas now, I seem to be able to conjure activities each day from nowhere, and the next when I can be bothered is a photo trip to Swiss Cottage to complete the Finchley Road coverage. Fascinating. Meanwhile I wait like a twat for my TV programme #3 to be shown- on the fucking internet. Guess who's going to promote it if it is? Me. I doubt anyone else will bother. Imagine getting a £50 note and hiding it in a library book without telling anyone. Someone will find it eventually but if they don't know it's there they won't even look. Piss up and brewery situation here.
I seem to have almost reached the quota of 60s pop videos on Youtube from trawling the old charts, and my favourite (to watch) is Manfred Mann's 'My name is Jack'. They look just as I remember them when I saw it on Top if the Pops in 1967. That is my main link to the 60s now, and I will gradually revert back to a being of that era as I watch each time. Thank goodness for the internet.

Let's hope if and when my photos stop being inspired I get something else to keep me busy, no idea what until it happens, but it has kept me going for almost 2 years and can't see it lasting that much longer as there are only so many things to take. Meanwhile I just heard (while in the car) Alex Jones uncovered two US documents admitting global warming was a way to raise taxes and control the masses as I always knew. There's just no direct experience of it and only believed as people are told it's happening and fall for whatever they hear from the experts who are paid to lie. I was told of proof of councils and governments being paid off to accept developments, change policies and basically anything you can imagine just to do the bidding of the corporations. That's who they represent and at our expense. Anyway, I can't yet find these documents but if I do I'll make sure everyone knows. With oil at a record high all we need is more tax to stop us going further than the local shops.