Wednesday, October 04, 2006

Attack and defence

Having broken every convention of society outside criminality I assumed most people who do conform would judge me, so got in there first. Now I realise despite having none of the criteria that classify people as 'normal' I haven't hurt anyone, and helped many and created a lot. I just rarely if ever get paid for it. But just because I don't have a job or very much else it isn't a reason to be rejected from decent society. So being in what could be called a fairly fixed environment, what can I do in it?

It's not just me, I've met a few people in a similar position who react the same way as me. Without people around, family, friends and community, we resort to things and places. You can go to the park or spend hours on a computer, but without someone to share it with is two dimensional. If there's one area I am normal it's in being sociable. The asexuals and singles by choice are, in my opinion, weird. Why shun the very people who create the quality of life? Fear of course. People can hurt you, so avoid them. But if you avoid them you guarantee you have nothing. Bad deal. So if they want to be alone let them, but don't criticise me for not wanting it. There are definitely certain levels of personal development and they are on the lowest rung. Don't listen to me, listen to most psychologists. I'm sure any of the people haters I describe wouldn't have lasted long on my counselling course as they weeded out all the head cases one by one, and whatever happened in those two years I survived so someone in the know let me through. And they watched us like a hawk, including four days of residential courses so they saw us in all roles. Whatever weirdness I have doesn't stop me doing a good job of counselling. And of course whatever we can do for others, most of those can't be done to ourselves but need someone else. I have gone round in the complete circle.

I am now investigating the boundaries of my control, as it's been implied (no details given) I may have a wee bit more power over my life than I think. Each effort provides different rewards in quality and duration. A trip to the shops gives me some essential but boring supplies that may last a few days of a few months depending if food or not. My photos are taken, posted and printed, then forgotten about in the main. All non-people related. I also have a little project found on another website where someone claims all our problems are caused by subconsciously physically resisting bad feelings. Now Nick Roach simplifies this. He passes over resistance and just says if you watch all feelings they will eventually dissolve, not that mine ever do. But what on earth authority does anyone have to make such claims? And if you resist subconsiously without a direct method you can't stop at will as your will was never involved. A puzzle I am working on. It explains many apparently nonsensical theories but I still can't really accept it unless proved in a more scientific way.

Today was what In would call just adequate. There's little else to worry about but doesn't mean that'll last, on past experience. But I can't see any alternative routes that are better. If only the wrong people want to see me and the rest make themselves incognito there's nothing I can do about it. People dying is half the story over time as the others just avoid you. Same result in the end. So I'm having to look at every part of my life and analyse whether there's a thing I can do to improve it, but so far the answer is to take each day as it comes and there is no formula. Prove me wrong...

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