Monday, December 26, 2005

The dream continues

As I write about a phenomenon that began by only applying to myself, more and more others appear to show my theory that with creativity comes increased sensitivity is the case, which would be god’s little joke. He makes a small sector of humanity perform at a level beyond the others and then saddles many with a reaction to outside events that lasts indefinitely beyond them and at a level many times above the usual. Whether a higher quality or quantity of creation you can’t disagree with me, that’s what society created paper qualifications for, as well as impressive performances and creations in the world that can’t be denied. The recent interviews with Woody Allen have produced more or less what I expected, despite last week’s denial that despite only being able to play a neurotic intellectual he was neither, an article in today’s paper says he is both claustrophobic, agoraphobic and obsessed with his health. Snap! One more for the tiny club. I’ve said before that though it seems a price I have to pay, the lack of my creative abilities would be a greater loss than becoming normal and mediocre, despite the greater pleasure and contentment good health would bring. It seems a no-win situation, and the increased sensitivity that drives much creativity is apparently bound to break its banks and spill into phobia territory. I do have remedies for mine but at the moment the side effects I have mean having to look for a new one, currently facing life with no armour, which clearly shows.

But adding to Woody Allen, bloggers and other internet friends I come across show very similar patterns, and in my case it’s strange that this year (as it still just is) my health gradually forced me more and more into my house where I produced more in a year than I ever have since leaving college. Money is not an element as they generate none, at least not so far. But having a physical collection of six pictures, loads of photos, an episode of a TV programme and articles ready for publication, and of course (whatever people think of it) my now daily productions here. It may be fun to run around socialising, shopping and seeing events, but despite my phobias I’ve done all this to the exhaustion, except for the friends part which I always want to do. I had always added up countries visited, football matches, parties, lectures and concerts seen etc., and last year I reached the point when I found I did things more to add them to the list than I actually enjoyed doing them. Then my health packed up for a while and all those things were off. Thank goodness by my relatively advanced time of life, I worked out I would just do what I was able to, and sod the rest as it really wasn’t in my control. Looking back I can’t complain on that front, though being made to do it without the pressure of health problems would have been a million per cent preferable. But we don’t pick and choose, things just happen like a cowpat from the sky when you couldn’t even see any cows to get your umbrella first.

So 2006 is the start of a new list. TV appearances, published work and paintings sold. I’ve done the regular stuff almost everyone in the western world does, and it never really impressed me to hear all the countries or other places people had been to. When I was younger I wanted to go to an event and if I could, went. It was never an effort, I just got on the train and did it. As there was little or no effort involved I just did it and didn't see it as a big deal. Mental health books tell me we all start off fine, phobias and other twists kick in with maturity, when we see the things we used to enjoy can not only go wrong, but hellishly. So you get put off, and eventually stop many of them. And if you also get panic attacks you can’t go or else, just in case you get one.

The similarities I’m also finding in a few other bloggers is as if there’s a common creator out there. The way a certain sector of people looks at the others seeing the faults, injustices and unnecessary situations everyone else just lives through is uncanny. Yesterday I also saw age is not a factor, as Woody Allen pointed out as well, he said he’d never become wise or more tolerant with age, it just doesn’t happen. I found the same thing at a lot earlier time. I become less tolerant with each event, as I collect new irritations and annoyances which all get added to the existing pile, until life becomes more of a minefield needing the skill of a ninja warrior to dodge the muck and bullets as you see them flying at you with a second or two’s notice. Well, it works both ways, age neither creates nor denies wisdom. The latest blogger I just came across like this was only fourteen and still had the quality of writing and depth of understanding that apparently is either there or not. A few people do develop later in life, but in most cases it seems you either have it or not, whatever ‘it’ is. I expect he'll probably read this, and see a fellow writer who has almost spotted a missing relative when you look at some of the common factors I've seen already.

But the common creator here, along with every other coincidence we witness, could follow Nick Roach and every other advaita-type teacher, as being me. I’ve given the alternative theory of creation many times before but it’s the best one that fits with my similar people and situations scenario that is gradually becoming more and more the case as time goes on. If it’s all my dream, then of course people will be as I’ve created them, as I’m the only real person here and everyone else is a character in my script so fit my own formats. But like true dreams these are written with no awareness of having done so. Of course there have to be safeguards written into it, such as the alarm clock (Nick Roach in my case) and the dream has to appear real or we won’t take any of it seriously. Fine as far as it goes, it’s just as nightmares are just as valid as nice dreams, and like our definite dreams, they just happen as they choose, even when we sometimes realise it’s only a dream the context rarely changes. Enlightenment means waking up to this as a dream as well, though the majority of witnesses (not exactly including Nick though he is free to clarify) say it’s a far superior state. It suits me as the closestn thing to an escape, and drugs are not. But it would also be a good way of explaining many things that currently can’t be understood. Science is only correct until it changes, and all the fixed rules we believe are certain, such as the solidity of walls or continuity of time, only last until something happens outside them, like a real dream which has no scientific rules. Once a rule is broken, it’s always possible to be, but if we realised it’s only happening as it’s a dream it would take all the fun out of it. But the trouble is it means we have to take all the shit as well as once we realise it’s a dream the shit should no longer hold any fear, but the fun may not hold any pleasure. This is a complicated catch 22 situation, and though my heart tells me waking up is what I prefer, I have little say in any of it either way.
I have no answers either, but hope I have a way in presenting the situation that will allow others to also understand it, and hopefully come up with original ideas I haven’t been able to.

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