Saturday, December 17, 2005


I've just finished the business I had to do, and there's a short time left before I have to go to the gym, so I thought I'd open up the page and see what came out here, mainly as I won't be near the computer for the next day or so.

I'll start by mentioning my major inspiration, Liz Jones, who writes about her marriage in The Mail on Sunday 'You' magazine (among others I haven't read).Assuming it's not fiction, she reveals some of the most intimate details of a marriage I could only say ought to be impossible, in that her husband treats her like a doormat and doesn't even appear to have a sex drive. But as well as being fascinating, it's shown me you can give personal details and still be published in a serious place. So I just (as she gives it) sent her an email telling her all this, and I hope she replies. The last person I did this with was Melanie Phillips, my journalistic hero, and she did send a nice reply, and may even be one of the readers. I hope more Liz actually comes here and likes it as our styles (rather than standards- I wouldn't presume!) are so similar.

Otherwise I am looking and hoping for some more inspiration. The last being digital photography has proved a great success, and I am hoping the local chemist will be able to blow up a few to go on the wall as they do with my normal pictures. I haven't had anything printed yet so don't know if I'll have to give up my ram card for a few days (panic panic). As I say when there's nothing on TV, Maharaji wants me to meditate, and now if there's little else to do, someone is allowing me to study my course. I must do a lot of that in the next week or two for obvious reasons. I also rang George about the rainbow post the other day, so if you're reading, hello!

As I said in the comments earlier, my Yahoo webcam has died on me yesterday. It's weird that as soon as I linked it to here first the site crashed, and then the whole program did. It's either my security or their crap program, and I suspect it'll need a new download of messenger to fix it. Once a program's had it you can only replace it with a new one, I'm not sure what shit gets into them but my spyware has eaten photo express fatally, and taken bits out of something else that will never be the same, neither of which I have on a backup. It's typical when your spyware does more damage than the bastards it's meant to protect you from. Despite regular nasties found on the computer, XP at least appears almost immune from any symptoms and maybe leaving well alone could be better than spybot removing essential files with everything else. Anyway, I was sure there was another item to mention, but having not written anything down it may have gone. However, until it does I've been reminded to raise a point Newport did yesterday, that sometimes I come across as rather weighed down by life. Analysis costs thousands, blogging is free, so I'm prepared to begin a series of pieces which would sound like it was being presented in analysis, as not only is it all good stuff, it's always interesting to see behind the scenes in others' lives, the places normally only analysts see.

Plus another forum member spotted I seemed to be looking for love, and that may be the crux of it. Since goodness knows when any love there was has dwindled, and the partner type has been lacking for over 25 years. That can't be good for anyone. Women I know just go off men and sex for years and (value judgement but accurate) become usually very bitter and twisted. Men rarely go off sex from lack of use, quite the opposite in fact, it becomes an obsession. Sex and love are related as if you aren't really into a woman sex is like eating when you're not really bothered about what you eat. Otherwise it is literally a divine experience. Different person, same thing, different experience. That has gradually hardened my heart to not feeling much either way whatever else happens as without a woman to love and its return to me everything else is just waiting. It's subconscious now, it's stage two where you tend to forget what you're meant to be missing as the memories are so vague, but it usually comes back. Every woman this year had potential, and one I was definitely in love with. Of course each acted as if I was the least attractive and worst potential partner they could ever come across, and though I do get others who don't, I feel little or nothing for them.

My mother also left the family home when I was 21, and because she was such a fixture around the house that made it feel like home, it was even worse having to be there without her after such a long time when she was around. There was no warning. There for 21 years, one day gone. I lived there for another 12 years and it was never the same. Then of course the next shift to having to live alone was no fun either. I had my own place already for 5 years by then but had the luxury of weekends or weekdays back in the old place when I wanted to, so it never became a complete way of life. But after that I had no choice, and actually took the transition pretty well, having built up to it so gradually part-time. Tenants came and went, but the potential stress outweighed the small rental money and that was stopped by 1998. Having the wrong person in the house (or a relationship) is worse than none as that's been well tested by me.
So life has presented me with this situation, combined with losing two jobs and my best friend (to America that is) which I suppose must try the patience of anyone. Combine that with a long-term anxiety disorder and that gives you the sum total of why I sound put upon at times. That's just the skeleton for today, but I may well, like Liz Jones before me, provide details in the future, if it seems popular. God forbid I bore anyone!
So, Liz, if you're reading this, here's my world of non-married life, care to swap?! I wouldn't if I was you!

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