Monday, December 26, 2005

Not only, but also...

What a TV week- first Woody Allen, then Spike Milligan, and now a whole evening of Dud and Pete (Moore and Cook that is). Pity three quarters are now dead, but they formed my comedy history along with Monty Python and Peter Sellers, and reminded me of similar conversations myself. Scene, a predominantly Jewish public day-school, year 1972.

Not only David but also Julian...

What shall we talk about today Julian?
Shall we talk about bottoms?
That's a good idea- I have a new name for one, do you want to know what it is?
Go on...
It's called a Julian hole. Very appropriate I think.
Well, I can think of better ones.
Go on then.
Cuthbert? Wilbur? (I start cracking up at this point), Marmaduke?
(almost having an apoplexy) Marmaduke!!! Oswald!
(Voice from the distance) Will you two shut the hell up?
Oops, excuse us... Gerald!
On another subject, what do you think of your mother's tits?
That's a bit rude, wouldn't it be better to ask what we thought of the other's mother's tits?
Yours aren't very big.
I prefer your sisters.
She hasn't got any...
Well if she did I'd prefer them.
What about her arse?
I've never seen her arse. Do you think she'll let me see it next time I see her?
You'll be lucky.
You're right, she hasn't even stayed in the same room as me since I first met her.
She is shy... Anyway, I don't want to talk about my sister like that.
You started it.
Well I'm stopping it now. What about people in our class?
What, their tits?
Ha ha very funny, it's all boys. No, what do you think of them: I'll do it like on the news. OK Mr (Insert name here), what do you think of Andrew?
He's a lunatic.
Oh well, nothing new there then. One of many.
You're right there Julian, anyone else?
Oh, he's a genius, everyone knows that.
Yes, boring, just a genius... yawn... Gabriel?
Oh my god, he's probably even worse than Andrew. What about Nick?
Are you suggesting he's not very intelligent?
Well, could be...
I can't say I'd disagree with that, what about the teachers? Mr W?
Oh hello boys, fancy a poke up the arse?
Ooh, get your backs to the wall!
Are we suggesting he may just possibly be a little bit of a poofter?
Well, that possibility was considered and has the leading score.
What about Mr D
Oh, you mean Ivor D?
I haven't, how about you?
What about me?
Well, if Ivor D have you a D as well?
I never said you had a D, I said Ivor D!
So you've got a D but I haven't?
I think this could go on a long time, shall we change the subject?
I know, what's the best excuse anyone's made not to see you?
Oh, you mean 'the boilerman's coming'- Levin!
Hello, my names Leviiiiiine... hahahaha
That's an old one Julian.
It's funnier than you though.
Well you didn't make it up, Simon did.
So, it's still funnier than you.
I said Julian hole. That's funnier.
No it isn't.
I think it is. Julian hole Julian hole!
Shutup will you.
So am I funny?
Oh for god's sake shut up...
That's not the answer I was looking for, try again.
Oh very funny.
Thank you, that was the one I was.

and so it went on, for years.... Well, we were only twelve. He's a multi millionaire now though, but is he funny?

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