Friday, December 16, 2005

I really don't know...

Today was unexpected. I mean of course it was a Friday, as always after seven days since the last one, but my work was cancelled and I had an afternoon free with no plans. Normally this (besides the money) would be a blessing, but as I had pretty much nothing set up I felt really lost. I hadn't really got any major camera trips left now as at least I'd done the ones I really wanted to do, and couldn't really be bothered to drive out and walk around in the cold yet again this week. So I looked around and began any housework I could think of, and have done some really tedious but useful jobs around the house that at least are now out of the way. I had to empty a box under the bed with towels and bedding as unfortunately it gets covered in dust and other excoriae (yes, it is a word) and is now in a cupboard, the box having magazines now. I then lost a photo from my website as I wanted to post just one more there but the limit was reached. I didn't think I had the lost picture I deleted by mistake in my documents, but after looking for the floppy disk with no joy, and trawling the web archives with even less (if that's possible) found it in my documents- panic over!

Starting housework often leads to more, but after the first job watched some of the snooker, seeing Steve Davis play better than his previous slow tortoise style is truly an inspiration as every other player over 40 seems to have retired now. I then somehow slipped into computering, despite 5 hours flat adding HTML tweaks to my sites yesterday and having nothing left to do, somehow bits and pieces added up to another session, stopping me from washing my sheets (I will though...). So I just thought I'd dive into the lowest levels of life in Kingsbury that rarely get measured by anyone worldwide as so boring, except a few bloggers, but are still a shared experience of most householders, and my worry now is whether that's all that lies ahead. I'm avoiding most social events now until my body recovers its strength enough to trust it again. I know (sexist observation coming) women tend to have no inhibitions in mentioning their health, but for men unless it's dramatic we tend to be embarrassed to admit we haven't been feeling 100% and then other people get surprised when we tell them we can't do something as they thought we were OK. So despite feeling somehow inadequate (as there's little in the way of a medical diagnosis I can quote) that I can't do much at the moment, it's better to tell everyone as otherwise they'll see other explanations for my regular absences in places I usually went to. Technically if I was married or equivalent I'd be better off as my wife would just be around, the edge would be taken off my health problems and the work would be shared as well. Also it's impossible to go out on the pull (as I was a few weeks ago, albeit online I did reel in a beautiful blonde, her description as well as mine) when she didn't call back I called it a day simply as I doubted I was up to meeting her. Bollocks really, when the one thing you want to do is virtually stopped by outside causes, though no doubt there's another way it narrows down the opportunities drastically. Maybe there are people in similar positions who still want partners and of course would have to live locally. That's really narrowing down the possible areas by about 99.99%, and I assume my condition will improve, as the doctor did name stress and exhaustion as its root causes, which (as they did in the past) then let the nasty germs in which compounded the situation nicely. As I said at the beginning, I really don't know. Today showed me that once you've done everything you can on your own and locally, there's fuck all else to do. OK, I will keep painting and have to study these little courses for life (that's called bureacracy) but there must be more. And what about my poor blog? God forbid, in a few months or even further ahead I could see it turning into the musings of everyday life of the housebound. Today's post was a rare one so far where it just covered indoor activities, but I seem to have used up so many avenues simply as I've done it all and got bored with the old things that I will now not go out just for the sake of it, and apart from family have no friends locally I can go and see like I used to. I hope this is the low point of my activities, and in a few days will have done a few unexpected and more interesting things besides learning primary school level HTML and rearranging my storage. The world can be a cruel place sometimes, as much for omissions than its acts. Empty isolation is as much a punishment as any natural disaster.


Philosopher Newport said...

still haven't seen the webcam up and running. por que? have noted change in font for link to supposed webcam but...

i've been here in england 4 years and i've not acquired a buddy yet. been too busy being married, i guess. i don't go to pubs because i don't drink and generally don't like being around those who do. and getting someone to hang out with, someone whose company you enjoy, just isn't something you can order up like a pizza. it's a destiny thing.

you should really try smoking a wee bit of grass---not hash, not the hard stuff, not the solids---but herb, grass, weed. just a wee bit would loosen you up, Kingsbury. you seem too tightly wound. you'd find it very easy to be apathetic about being an un-involved bachelor. not a total cure, but mucho alleviation. this life is an obvious fumblefuck mindtwister of a joke and yet you seem to take it very seriously. and that's okay. but if you smoked pot at least once a day you would be less resistant and more accepting of your fate without hoping it would make your fate better.

i'm blabbing. i go now.


David said...

The webcam is a naughty boy! It was working perfectly, as soon as I linked it here and clicked, it went down. Then it not only wouldn't broadcast, currently Yahoo can't even open it. I'm sure like all glitches it shouldn't last long.
If I meditated every day I may be better, but any medication I take needs a prescription!