New year ramblings

Just a quick review of recent events, non events, thoughts and anything else the wind blows in and out of my mind. I had a few friends over last night which was very nice, and despite my own apparently unhealthy addiction (like information, creation and friendship is a bad thing) to the computer, one spent hours looking up information and another saw all my photos and checked his friends on friends reunited. Approve or not, it's only like a library on a screen where you can join in as well. If I spent hours a day in a library no one would complain, so why the computer? And before the internet I'd sometimes sit in the reference library doing exactly what I do now, and then when it did come I'd sit there on the internet, which would confuse most critics deciding whether it was good or bad if I did both, like telling the Irishman/Belgian/Pole (I won't discriminate!) to stand in a dustbin and piss in the corner.


New year's visitors (and me).

Then I rang Charlie Wolf on Talk Sport, who was taking calls straight to air and said he wanted some music, and I managed to get through and sing 'Ag Pleez deddy' on national radio. I rarely speak to him, partly as he's on so late and partly the extortionate charges on that station, and I once hung on for over two hours (without getting put on) which cost over £6 for absolutely nothing, and they earned about half of that for the privilege.

I've apparently solved my email problem, by hook or crook my experiments finally discovered it was NTLs own crap software that had appeared to solve it after up to an hour of waiting, which as soon as shut down allowed outlook express to work perfectly! Stupid buggers. I was told to leave their software well alone and now I realise why. It may have kept the viruses out but reproduces the same symptoms itself, plus the bloody machine's been freezing all week, though the cat's multiple button press may have been reponsible just before it started happening... Is that possible?

Despite being an artificial number, it's good to get 2005 out of the way. Not a logical reaction but genuine. Few if any plans now, apart from calling Discovery TV for the date next week, I can only hope it's out by then as I've waited almost ten months and though I knew the rough timescale it's been dragged out too far now. Normal media operation, but when it's your first time so it's all or nothing it's a big deal. Of course the new kitchen arrives next week, which will fuck up my life totally for a week, but worth it in the end. I hope it goes more smoothly than I imagine currently. I only have two official digital camera trips to make, which will become easier once the days get longer. Otherwise the years ahead will be a total mystery but hopefully not as repetitive as the previous few have been.

Finally, my (realistic) hopes for 2006. I hope I'll meet a few more friends from the internet, gradually more Londoners are arriving so possible to see in person, unlike the usual random distribution in the past. Of course I hope to sell at least my first painting and do plenty more. I hope to get to football again, Barnet have been in the league since August but due to unreliable health I hadn't risked going yet, but that's one thing I'd like to do as I waited four years for them to be promoted back to the league. If the new magazine does materialise (not as predictable as the TV programme) if that could lead me to writing for somewhere paid I may actually have a working career again and then no one would be able to criticse me! It is strange that when the criminals and evil bastards who are either successful in life or simply lead ordinary lives where few people know what else they do gain full approval of the sheep who only look at the surface picture. I used to argue with our school secretary (one of the many older women I'd have done anything to get busy with, but that's off the point) as she bemoaned the fact the teachers no longer had to wear suits and ties etc., and I said all the best con men wear posh clothes to (I didn't express this bit) get the confidence of idiots like her. Looking at the surface is such a waste of time as you only see the packaging and completely overlook what's inside. Having a job seems to carry so much weight with the average member of respectable sheep society, and the multitude of qualities that exist behind that are relatively unnoticed or unconsidered as their gauge of approval is founded on whether you have a job or not. A criminal record, unrecorded crimes and general bad behaviour will only be considered if they are discovered, which few people are likely to advertise, where it's pretty hard to pretend you have a job when you haven't for very long. It's like any other 'failing' like alcoholism, mental illness or the like, where you can create a screen of falsehood for a while so when you meet a new person you divert attention for as long as you can from it until hopefully by the time it comes out they know you well enough not to mind. It's such a shame people need to do this.

In another situation which catches me more and more, as the suitable ones are so rare, there are women I know as friends, and a few are really hot, single but unsuitable in some way (according to society). Therefore I string out my approaches, taking five to ten times as long preparing the ground of a friendship before I try to take it to the next stage as I really have to make sure they are ready and possibly willing for it before I frighten them and the sky falls in. Despite our all being single and available, the elements that make it 'unsuitable', such as age, mixing business with pleasure etc. None illegal or unprofessional or any other genuine reason, just fucking inconvenient. So I creep around like a stalking cat in the garden, waiting and pacing around for months, gradually letting the odd hint go to see if it gets picked up, will they have another date with me as a friend, etc. So far each one of them has wimped out at some stage along the line before anything was even openly attempted. I reckon female intuition meant they picked up hints I hadn't even made, realised I wanted more than the friendship, and jumped ship. Forget the fact they lost a perfectly good friendship just because they were too wet to face the situation and talk about it, they'd rather just lose the lot. The closest I got was a married woman on holiday years ago who was humming and haahing whether to come to the end of holiday disco with me, but the fact her son was with her meant there would be too much chance of getting caught, but I believe that was the one case I had a genuine chance. The others were dead as soon as we met as the issue that made it complicated killed it off for them automatically, and whatever I was like and tried with them, the door was never open, but it took me a whole process of checking to find out. You can't just not even try, as not every woman thinks in the box, assuming whatever rules and regulations society currently prefers are fixed and unbreakable. I know a few unconventional people exist as I see them around, so sooner or later one of these unsuitable (on paper) women has to disagree with the prevailing attitudes as I do, so I have to try every one of them in case. If it's right nothing will stop it, look at all the married people who still meet new partners and leave their husbands and wives, Apart from the rare occasions in the past I don't waste my time if someone's taken as though 'other people' say it happens all the time, in my experience I think it's pretty rare, and possibly some of these 'people it happens to' are lying. I began as trusting, as I am always open with people and didn't realise how much people make up (especially as there's no point in it, as if it didn't happen it didn't happen). There's also enough in everyone's life to be interesting without creating a false parallel one as so many do. But once you catch a few people out you realise it's a whole separate area of non-information, and if something doesn't feel right to me, it may not be. So all these stories of extra marital affairs I hear the whole time may be sad people who wish it would happen but rarely dare to, or even try but don't manage to get anyone else. My own attempts at any woman with a partner, married or not, tell me that though of course it is perfectly realistic for bad marriages (as they invariably are) to allow new people in, and I have met couples where one was married to someone else, it's probably far less common than we're led to believe, and fabrication is the only explanation I can think of as the vast majority of partnerships are as watertight as anything can be, and even if one may consider playing away, few would dare to do it.

So in my educated world, couples would be left to stay couples, but singles, regardless of 'paper suitability', would have few reasons to avoid people not on their official list, and most importantly of all, be able to speed the process up where it was quite all right to see a woman (or vice versa) a few times as a friend and be able to say you want more with no heart attacks. My time is just as valuable as everyone else and I can't stand faffing around for months waiting and waiting to soften up a woman who 90 per cent of the time has made up her mind about me in the first ten seconds, like buying a house. If they were on the 'official list', ie I'd met at a party or disco or (god forbid) agency, then the usual few dates and pounce formula I've finely honed over the last 35 years would operate and in a good few examples would succeed. But in the 'sensitive' ones, however much I'd like to do that, I reckon that though nearly every person consciously or subconsciously decides a yes or no very quickly, I have to string it out and prepare them so slowly as I have to overcome all the negative blocks society has put in between us before they'd possibly get to know me so well any of that would have passed. I think that would be the only possible way to overcome such circumstances, but wish I could save so much time pursuing long shots by 'getting on with it' by direct speech. It would never improve my chances, just save me time and let me forget about them instead of having the possibility on my mind for months even though in reality it will probably never happen.

So, a short message, if two single people like each other, but society believes they shouldn't, ignore them and enjoy. How many opportunities do we get to meet someone right in life at all? How many people lose someone who is and then realise how rare and lucky they were to meet them? So if it happens, use it, make something from it, as whatever others expect, it's for the two of you, and don't avoid a relationship as it seems strange. You'll be hurting two people, not just one, especially if years down the line (as I have as well) you realise what you've let go. Not a pretty scenario. As I say, end of sermon.