Friday, January 27, 2006

My answers

If I'm given a question, though I may not know the answer straight away, the seed has been planted. So I spotted a reason I complain here, because (in my subconscious) I somehow believed if I told everyone I was in trouble maybe someone would help. Of course words of support are help, but beyond that nobody can actually come along and do anything, so now I've caught that one I won't be doing it anymore.

The situation must be a familiar one. When everything's going well, you don't think about controlling it, life just goes along on auto pilot. When, for whatever reason, it goes out of control and off the rails you want to put it back. I think I have enough experience to know my own limits, and when there's trouble I have three methods available to me. The areas I can fix directly (eg clearing something off the carpet, don't ask...), indirectly (asking someone to pass a message or drop a hint for me, for instance) and the path of most resistance, where the possible method is more trouble than the trouble itself, (like paying for a private check-up). But to use a Venn diagram, that only covers a portion of most situations. The rest is hurtling down the hill on its own energy, and the horizon is one of time, ie anything beyond the present moment. You can't even see which direction the carriage of chaos is going down the hill, where it leads or whether it slows down and stops soon or way ahead.
Those are the bits I was looking for outside help. I figured if I can't do a thing I'd see if I could ask the universe indirectly, and though I hadn't wasted effort moaning to people face to face for years as I realised it had no use, the tendency was still there and slipped out in here, until I noticed it.

Of course, I still wish I could find any answers to how to affect the bits outside the apparent control zone, but the answers (which I don't believe exist, we are very limited from what I've seen so far) will come the same way as the solutions, when they want to and not when I want them to.

Many people, including me, have tried what could be termed 'white magic' to have a fourth way of controlling the uncontrollable. It has also been distilled into 'attraction magic', where somehow (I can't see the sense in it) you change your vibration and belief so the world reflects that change. People say they've done it, but though I'm open to new science, this has been described (differently most of the time) in so many books and courses that even though no method I've yet found isn't hideously long-winded and complicated, it really leaves me cold. It's a form of prayer, where you believe and feel you already have what you want and then 'it happens'. That's the basics of it, try it, maybe it'll work for you. Anything that isn't a variation on this method I'd dismiss as hocus pocus, and also accept any change of the outside world using supernatural means can't be understood by the mind so I can't use my mind to even check if it makes sense to do so. That was why I tested many of these methods, but unless I gave up too easily I can't endorse even the idea behind them, let alone any one method.

I fear my biggest blockage is one others have mentioned elsewhere, that is avoiding jobs that are more trouble than what they are there to remedy, like the dentist. All animals avoid pain and suffering given a choice, and though humans know the reason they have to do it, we are still animals underneath and may avoid whatever it is indefinitely as the price is too high to pay. If there are any routes out of my situations like that, of course they may exist and I won't take them (I'll see if I can think of any), but the intuition tells me in the past I did every one of these (when I was younger I could) and it didn't make anything happen either. If, for instance, I went to one of those social arrangements for single people after a year or three, I'd instantly realise why I stopped going. So probably many of the routes others suggest I must have tried and failed already.

But the balance is, after hearing something yesterday, I realised that if you look at the celebrities on Big Brother for example, some are famous for doing something, others for being someone. When the latter die they leave nothing behind but a name, as they did nothing to earn their fame (Tara P-T, the Beckwith family etc), but the true celebrities leave a career of entertainment or creations behind them. And whatever my problems have been in the last year or so, possibly as a reaction to it my creations have increased tenfold. The myth of the troubled artist seemed to apply, though I will carry on just as much now if not troubled. Whatever shit is going on I can still look back and see what I've produced, and that can't be taken away. Personally the happiness and contentment I had when I maybe wasn't doing so much would be preferable if forced to choose, but having both isn't really so much to ask, but appears to be so far.

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