Not today

I thought, as I struggled to think of anything worth adding here, but a habit is a habit, as well as being a bit of a challenge, so here I am.

Most of this is speculation, just like the news when nothing’s really happening, including plans for this week. Apart from a number of boring business arrangements, I’ll be putting things back in my new kitchen units, which are virtually finished besides a few missing bits now on order. On the pure speculation front a message is to be passed to one of my earlier female failures who I hear is now probably single. I don’t think I’ve ever ‘gone back for another go’ with a woman who’s knocked me back, but maybe we can occasionally grow on people over time.

I also just called Tommy Boyd about my blog and he became fixated on the call I made about ethics whether I write about people I know and told to read it. He seems to think along with his sidekick Allison that’s all I do here, when if he’d read it he’d see I rang about one post and it’s something I rarely do. On that front, there’s someone I was also after recently I didn’t mention exactly for that reason. I’d have loved to share it here as it would make great reading, but would have guaranteed fucking up any tiny chance I had if she’d read it. I suppose you can say I own the bare minimum level of discretion, as if not I’d probably have been wearing concrete boots by now.

On the general point, I’d be interested to know if my opinion that I’ve failed in more projects than the average, as it seems that just about every plan I have to improve my lot has stopped short of success, frequently getting nowhere at all. There are various categories, but in common they all depend on other people’s decisions. The biggest, of course, is women. I genuinely believe with women and to a lesser degree everything, that if we want something it stops it coming to us, as I’ve noticed most women who like me are the ones I was only interested in as friends. It seems that a challenge to a man’s indifference is the biggest turn on of all to women, which if God exists he should bloody well be kicked up the arse for, as it means I for one lose every woman I want and only get those I don’t. Great fucking formula, thank you. I even saw this happen in the same person recently, when a woman I’d been friendly with for a while vanished as soon as I decided I may as well go for more. That or the fact I wasn’t going to be converted to Jesus. But that formula is one I can’t use as I can’t turn my indifference on and off (once I’ve succeeded then you don’t need it to keep someone) to exploit the virtually watertight system. OK, it has had a few exceptions, but not for 25 years so apparently applies more to mature women who are looking for more than temporary fun.

Then you have my writing. The odds of anyone accepting articles sent by a nobody is probably zero, so I shouldn’t really include it in my data, but it must happen once in a blue moon. My art is another. I got half way there (so far) by having them acknowledged as worth exhibiting. But unless they sell they haven’t meant enough to anyone to pay for them. The news is a classic example. First of all, politicians are elected by the majority, and in the case of our London mayor, we’ve been stuck with the nearest thing to an eastern European regime (but with western prices) than anyone outside the communist world. Twice. He in turn makes the worst possible decisions (he apparently has no opposition, it’s a true dictatorship as all his decisions go through with no known votes by others). The same reliance on others' choices, though in a more democratic form, applies to governments and any other law makers. We are now heavily stuck with the European Union, probably by one person’s decision. This was because the choice to vote for the Maastricht treaty was a tie, and the speaker voted for it. Had Maastricht failed, the EU may not exist now, and if it did, we may well have been thrown out for voting against it. After that we were tied to it for life.

My final category of other people’s decisions is jobs. That’s an area where merit is a small element, you have to fit their job profile. So you can be a bloody genius, well capable of doing the job, but too highly qualified. You get the picture. And my current jobless situation was never from not bothering, but being turned down or let go (from lack of business, not incompetence). And still is. As a result my anxiety increased to a level where I wasn’t fit to work if I was offered anything, partly from lack of being used to working outside home. Cause and effect. And the decision of one person can change someone’s life in either direction if major enough. For instance, had anyone used one of my articles in a proper newspaper I’d probably have no job worries either, as unless it was considered crap it would tend to open the door for more. And if you’re on a list you are used. If I couldn’t write nobody would publish it, but they do. It just isn’t paid. But like the art gallery, no one’s going to use anything in their place that isn’t good enough, or otherwise I wouldn’t dream of hawking any of my work to the big players. Like novelists and musicians, it’s down to luck, persistence and if you can afford it, promotion. I at least am persistent. The luck may follow, and being on TV will be it if it leads to more business coming my way. So I may turn the corner business wise. That would be completed if it lead to either a contract or regular freelance media work, and in the media once you’re in you’re part of the family.

Then, although much pleasure will also be gained from a successful media career, what I’ll really need is to somehow sort out some level of social and family life. Despite not being perfect (whose is?) when I lived in a nuclear family I was happier than at any other time as whatever suits others that is how I prefer to live. It reduced by a third when my mother decided to go, and I stayed in the same house another 12 years before finally being cast to my own devices totally (I had my own place for years but was free to come and go). I survive and cope, but why survive and cope when you could enjoy home life? Other people again. The biggest decision, do I share my life with someone else? With my experience, having been forced to look for who suits me twice as long as the average person, am now able to accept dozens of women, at least, on a few day’s familiarity. It may go wrong, but it can after knowing someone for years and living together. Big deal. Unless we get married (where I would wait a lot longer) they just move back to their own place. No harm really done, I did this once years ago and it was such a disaster I decided the three week trial (I think) was a disaster and it wasn’t going to continue. But apart from her massive faults, I felt like a real person with a real life for those few weeks which I can’t on my own, and still do again for a few hours when I have visitors.
Currently with a little pile of health problems, the theoretical marriage vows would be in operation from day one, as I’m not up to a lot like I used to be, and can’t tell for how long. I know it wouldn’t bother me if someone wasn’t 100%, and seen many women with men with far worse chronic problems than I have as it’s not something that changes you as a person if you are right for each other. For me being bossy is the greatest turnoff, then airheads (mind me nails!), feminists (no surprise there!), career women (usually bossy as well, like feminists), uncaring, no sense of humour and boring. Boring used to top the list, but I’ve become better at looking at a pretty picture and possibly finding the better conversations elsewhere than I used to be. That meant a number of exes I couldn’t have stuck with as they weren’t very interesting would probably pass now if everything else was OK as they can still converse, and compared to my cat that’s a 1000% improvement (technically infinite, for those pedants reading). Someone else making you a cup of tea is of great value, plus the sentiment behind it that made them want to make it. Helping with housework and shopping adds many points to life’s quality. So good conversation is essential for me, but with all those other factors present could be sought elsewhere as many people are capable of that but little else! To reverse the view, if a woman’s attractive (I have a simple test developed over 40 years!) caring and has a sense of humour, my house is hers. It nowadays takes me a few days on average to make this assessment just as I’ve had to make it thousands of times. I no longer care about intelligence as it’s not essential and often comes at a price (big head). If they can find their way home in the car and know how to fill it with petrol that’s probably enough. My cat can do the first and is pretty good company, and her heart’s in the right place, which I can’t say for every human I know but probably every cat.

Anyway, I think you get the picture, and can work out most of the other categories from there. My main point is we all have projects with varying odds, but I feel in my own case it seems they get fewer results than other people’s. Just a paranoid view maybe, but apparently true from where I am.